Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Keystone Pipeline Spill Would Employ Thousands, Says Romney
Mitt Romney said that on his first day in office he will approve the Keystone Pipeline, which will create hundreds of thousands of jobs in the oil clean-up industry within two years.
Ketchup Linked to Lower Risk of Death
Researchers found that habitual ketchup users had a lower risk of death than their snobby, elitist counterparts. Subjects who went through four or five bottles per week lived the longest.
Romney Campaign Hiring Liars
According to its website, the Romney for President campaign is hiring staffers to create outlandish stories and preposterous allegations about President Obama, and then disseminate them through word-of-mouth and the blogosphere.
Romney Asks Nation to Decide What He Should Believe In
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney told supporters Monday that if elected president, he would have the whole country vote on what his opinions should be before he expresses them.
McCain Proposes New ‘Surge’ Strategy to Win War on Women
Senator John McCain today proposed a strategy to send an additional 20,000 Christian extremists into American towns and villages, a plan that would beat back a growing feminist insurgency and enable the nation to be victorious in the GOP-led war against women.
Florida Passes ‘Kill the Negro’ Law
TALLAHASSEE, FL – Republican Governor Rick Scott today signed legislation that would make it legal to use lethal force against black citizens if they appear threatening, frightening, or just “dark and ominous.”
New Arizona Law Says Life Begins at Fantasy
Arizona lawmakers voted to pass legislation that defines life as beginning the moment a person fantasizes about having sex.
Secret Service Foils Colombian Prostitution Price Gouging Scheme
President Obama thanked the members of the Secret Service Wednesday for bringing an end to a Colombian prostitution price gouging scheme.
Romney Chooses Wallet as Running Mate
Mitt Romney surprised pundits on both sides of the aisle today when he announced his wallet will be joining the GOP ticket as his vice presidential running mate.
North Korea’s ‘Satellites at Bottom of Sea’ Program a Success
North Korea successfully launched another multi-million dollar piece of technology to the floor of the Atlantic Ocean.
