Trump Renames ‘Greenland’ to ‘White Land’ 
Trump to Remove Indigo from Color Spectrum 
Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Suicide Note Reveals Poor Grammar
RAMSDELL, MO — A suicide note left by a local man demonstrated a remarkably poor understanding of syntax and grammar, according to authorities.
Imaginary Friend ODs on Placebos
Four-year-old Billy Tipton’s best friend — an imaginary owl named Scabooboo — ovedosed last night on an entire make-believe bottle of placebos.
French-American Man Hates Himself
SEATTLE — A French-American man expressed deep loathingfor himself over the weekend.
Hawaii Insists It’s 'No Paradise'
HONOLULU — Troubled by its reputation as a tropical paradise, Hawaii is on a quest to change its image with a series of commercials showing the depraved side of the Aloha State.
NRA Donates Guns to Grade-Schoolers
The National Rifle Association plans to distribute free handguns to seven million American school children in grades K-3 as part of their 2nd Amendment education program, “Bang Bang, it’s Your Right!”
Woman Enjoys iPhone’s Vibrator Function
Using your iPhone as a vibrator? You might have a case of ‘lectronic Overload.
Criminals Urged to Apprehend Themselves
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
What is your overall opinion?
“I don’t feel I’ve thought about it enough, nor have enough experience, to formulate an intelligent response to this particular topic.”
— Doug Minors,
Bartender,
Birmingham, AL
Advertisers Slow Down Commercials for DVR Users
NEW YORK — Having gotten wise to television viewers fast-forwarding through advertisements on their DVRs, advertisers have decided to slow down their commercials to 25% of normal speed.
Congressman Legalizes Pot for Himself
WASHINGTON, DC — Congressman Sal Dennison (D-OH) successfully inserted an amendment into a House bill, which would legalize marijuana for his own personal use.
