Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Hawaii Insists It’s 'No Paradise'
HONOLULU — Troubled by its reputation as a tropical paradise, Hawaii is on a quest to change its image with a series of commercials showing the depraved side of the Aloha State.
NRA Donates Guns to Grade-Schoolers
The National Rifle Association plans to distribute free handguns to seven million American school children in grades K-3 as part of their 2nd Amendment education program, “Bang Bang, it’s Your Right!”
Woman Enjoys iPhone’s Vibrator Function
Using your iPhone as a vibrator? You might have a case of ‘lectronic Overload.
Criminals Urged to Apprehend Themselves
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
What is your overall opinion?
“I don’t feel I’ve thought about it enough, nor have enough experience, to formulate an intelligent response to this particular topic.”
— Doug Minors,
Bartender,
Birmingham, AL
Advertisers Slow Down Commercials for DVR Users
NEW YORK — Having gotten wise to television viewers fast-forwarding through advertisements on their DVRs, advertisers have decided to slow down their commercials to 25% of normal speed.
Congressman Legalizes Pot for Himself
WASHINGTON, DC — Congressman Sal Dennison (D-OH) successfully inserted an amendment into a House bill, which would legalize marijuana for his own personal use.
Insurance Lobby Denies Pay to Heckler Due to ‘Pre-Existing Ignorance’
BOZEMAN, MT — A powerful insurance lobby today denied compensation to a man it hired to disrupt a town hall meeting on healthcare reform, asserting that he had “pre-existing ignorance.”
Union Bank Vagina Preferred over Walmart Puckered Anus
In a recent opinion poll, consumers preferred the new Union Bank logo, a swollen red vagina, to Walmart’s yellow puckered anus, by a margin of two-to-one.
Sarah Palin to run for Governor of Alaska
ANCHORAGE — Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has announced plans to run for Governor of Alaska in the 2010 election.
