“I think the Jackson family should be required to pay everyone in Los Angeles $5000 each. Plus each resident gets to choose one Jackson to provide naked housecleaning services. You listening, Tito?”
— Benjamin Colt,
Santa Clarita, CA
BALTIMORE — Deliveryman Henry Zulligan said he regrets the decision he made after graduating high school that put him behind the wheel of a brown UPS truck every day for the past twenty-six years.
“I think it’s when the crops don’t get enough sleep… or maybe they’re just waking up too early.”
— Salvatore Blum,
Medical Marijuana Distributor,
Grand Rapids, MI
BEVERLY HILLS — A popular dermatologist was repulsed by a particularly gross looking acne blemish on the face of one of his teenage patients.
NETHERLANDS — An invasion of termites that completely devoured the inventory of the Clicken Cläcken Wooden Shoe Factory in Amsterdam is being investigated as a criminal act.
PITTSBURGH — High school senior Sean Allwinter prematurely ejaculated in his pants last Friday while on a first date with classmate Brenda Hendricks. Now she has agreed to go out with him again.
“Live coverage of my drug trial on Court TV, the death of Larry King, and the subsequent memorial they’ll have for him at Madison Square Garden.”
— Mrs. Belinda Preuss,
School Psychologist,
Bloomington, Indiana
SAN DIEGO — Collin McArthur has never enjoyed going to a movie because he finds the characters and stories on the screen completely unbelievable, calling the whole experience “just a big waste of time.”
WASHINGTON, DC — While the shaky economy has forced most Americans to cut back on their day-to-day living expenses, the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis reported that cheap bastards carry on as though nothing has changed.
WASILLA — Alaskan Governor Sarah Plain was pronounced brain-dead Friday after reporters found her outside her Wasilla home, mumbling incoherently.
Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
