WASHINGTON, DC — In an apparent sign of reconciliation with his predecessor, President Obama said today he will be sending former president George W. Bush on peace missions to some of the most dangerous parts of the world.
JUNEAU, AK — No sooner did Governor Sarah Palin decide to abort her term in office after serving only two-and-a-half years, than debate began among Alaskans as to what constitutes a so-called “partial-term” administration.
SEDONA, AZ — Senator John McCain today announced plans to build his own presidential library, despite the fact that he is not — and has never been — the president.
“I think the Jackson family should be required to pay everyone in Los Angeles $5000 each. Plus each resident gets to choose one Jackson to provide naked housecleaning services. You listening, Tito?”
— Benjamin Colt,
Santa Clarita, CA
BALTIMORE — Deliveryman Henry Zulligan said he regrets the decision he made after graduating high school that put him behind the wheel of a brown UPS truck every day for the past twenty-six years.
“I think it’s when the crops don’t get enough sleep… or maybe they’re just waking up too early.”
— Salvatore Blum,
Medical Marijuana Distributor,
Grand Rapids, MI
BEVERLY HILLS — A popular dermatologist was repulsed by a particularly gross looking acne blemish on the face of one of his teenage patients.
NETHERLANDS — An invasion of termites that completely devoured the inventory of the Clicken Cläcken Wooden Shoe Factory in Amsterdam is being investigated as a criminal act.
PITTSBURGH — High school senior Sean Allwinter prematurely ejaculated in his pants last Friday while on a first date with classmate Brenda Hendricks. Now she has agreed to go out with him again.
“Live coverage of my drug trial on Court TV, the death of Larry King, and the subsequent memorial they’ll have for him at Madison Square Garden.”
— Mrs. Belinda Preuss,
School Psychologist,
Bloomington, Indiana
Trump Renames ‘Greenland’ to ‘White Land’ 
Trump to Remove Indigo from Color Spectrum 
Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
