CDC: Swine flu victims are mainly pigs
ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine Flu,” are pigs. A report on the pandemic, released today, took the scientific community by surprise. “The current administration
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Obama approves sandwich-boarding
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected terrorists. In this novel interrogation technique, captured terror suspects are forced to
Obama to send former President Bush to world’s hot spots
WASHINGTON, DC — In an apparent sign of reconciliation with his predecessor, President Obama said today he will be sending former president George W. Bush on peace missions to some of the most dangerous parts of the world. “These are places where terrorists are set upon killing anyone
Obama wants citizens to print their own money
DENVER — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City. “This financial crisis is just too big for our resources in Washington,”
“Black Friday” to be Renamed Under Obama
CHICAGO — As one of his first orders as President of the United States, Barack Obama pledged to rename “Black Friday” — the first day after Thanksgiving in which most retailers begin making a profit — as “Multiracial Friday.” “The racial divides in America
Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election
NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea. “In this precarious economic time,
New McCain Strategy: I’m Blacker than Obama
PHILADELPHIA — In a recent television ad, Senator McCain is shown addressing a group of African Americans, telling them that Obama is not half the black man he is. “Let’s not fall into the trap of judging blackness by the color of a man’s
Disorganized Community Seeks Return of Obama
POETS BEND, IL — “Bring back Barack!” came the cries from this small town on the southside of Chicago, where, as a young man, Barack Obama once served as a community organizer. In the intervening years, however, this erstwhile well-kempt community,
Lipstick-Wearing Pig Offended by McCain Comments
FAIRFAX, VA — John McCain accused Senator Obama today of making a disparaging reference to Gov. Sarah Palin by uttering the phrase “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” This offended Osco, a locally raised, lipstick-wearing pig
Psychic Predicts Complete Text of McCain Acceptance Speech
ST. PAUL, MN / SPECIAL TO THE SKUNK — The head psychic on staff at TheSkunk.org has peered into the mind of John McCain to obtain the highly guarded acceptance speech he will be delivering tonight at the Republican Convention. What follows is the full speech, pieced together directly from Senator
McCain Gaining Ground with Lunatic Fringe
MINNEAPOLIS — Sen. John McCain’s polling numbers have remained consistent over the last four months, with the exception of one category, The Lunatic Fringe, where he is steadily gaining ground. A recent BSN poll showed that McCain is winning the vote of
Obama Offers Clinton Cabinet Position
DENVER, CO - In a conciliatory gesture to his opponent, Senator Obama today reached out to Senator Clinton by offering her the cabinet position of “Secretary of Sewing,” which he said he created
McCain Selects Obama for Running Mate
ARIZONA – In a surprise move early this morning, Sen. John McCain announced that Barack Obama will be his running mate for the 2008 presidential election. “He brings a lot of voters with him,” said McCain. “He’s stronger on the economy than I am,
Obama Chooses Self for V.P.
DENVER, CO — In a stunning turn of events early this morning, Senator Barack Obama announced that he would be his own running mate in the 2008 Presidential elections. “I’ve
McCain Drilling Plan: Pump Oil Directly into Ocean
NEW ORLEANS, LA — John McCain announced today a plan for offshore rigs to pump oil directly into the ocean. “We already have the technology,” said McCain. “The United
Barack Obama to Open for Led Zeppelin
Barack Obama will be the opening act for Led Zeppelin’s “Man Are We Old” 2009 World Reunion tour, replacing Toto, the aging rock band that broke up earlier this year. The Senator’s three-hour and seventy-five minute presentation will include
Obama’s Pastor Damns Local Teacher
As a follow-up to his widely viewed performance on YouTube, where he instructed God to “Damn America,” Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Senator Obama’s controversial former pastor, is now seeking
McCain Designs New Logo for Obama
In a growing sign of good sportsmanship between the candidates, John
Satan Distances Himself from Rev. Wright
In a press release issued yesterday, Satan has distanced himself from Reverend Jeremiah Wright, the contentious Chicago pastor who created a maelstrom of controversy for his former congregant, Senator Barack Obama. Satan
