Specter switches genders
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females. “I have found of late that I am identifying more closely with the women in the
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Obama wants citizens to print their own money
DENVER — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City. “This financial crisis is just too big for our resources in Washington,”
Congress tells Toyota, Honda, BMW to make shittier vehicles
WASHINGTON — The House Financial Services Committee issued a statement today, urging foreign car manufactures to “tone down” the quality and appeal of their products, so that the big three American car companies can compete more effectively. “If the foreign manufacturers would
Man’s Testicle Reveals Image of GM CEO
MESA, AZ — A local crossing guard claims a perfect image of GM chief executive Rick Wagoner has appeared on his left testicle. “I was masturbating last Friday, which I always do sitting
Porn Industry to get $100 Billion in Federal Aid
WASHINGTON — Leaders in the adult entertainment industry, hit hard in the current recession, testified before Congress Monday, explaining the need for $100 billion dollars in government assistance to keep their various enterprises afloat. Leigh Flanders, a producer of hard-core gay videos, claimed
Automakers form Suicide Pact
DETROIT — The chief executives from Ford, GM and Chrysler, fresh from groveling to Congress to bail their respective firms out from under their mismanagement and poor judgment, have issued a statement today outlining plans for their joint suicide. Should any of the Big Three automakers
GM CEO Says Employees will Work for $1 if Company Receives Bailout
DETROIT — On the heels of Ford CEO Alan Mulally’s promise to work for $1 per year if his company has to take any government loan money, GM Chief Rick Wagoner has upped the ante by telling Congress that if his firm receives bailout money, he will require all 15,000 GM employees to accept a
Horse and Buggy Manufacturers Seek Fed Assistance
WASHINGTON, DC — Two horse and buggy manufacturing executives made a trip to Capitol Hill on Friday, seeking government assistance for their flailing industry. During hearings before the House Financial Services Committee, George Thomas Windham, CEO of McCooder & Sons Buggy and Surrey Company,
Congress Outsources Workload to Malaysia
WASHINGTON, DC—The United States Congress is outsourcing its workload to a contactor in Malaysia, according to a report by the U.S. Government Accountability Office. Beginning this month, the
