GOP removes ‘Family Values’ from Platform
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it will be removing the much-hyped “Family Values” agenda from its platform. Since the early 1980s, when President Reagan and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich gave birth to the so-called “Republican Revolution,” conservatives have campaigned on the vague term
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GOP elephant switches parties
BALTIMORE — On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter’s jump to the Democratic Party, the GOP Elephant — longtime mascot of the Republicans — has announced he, too, is switching political affiliations. Former GOP Mascot The elephant said it was Senator Specter who really opened the door
Republicans propose Ayatollah system for U.S.
WASHINGTON, DC – In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government. “We can keep the showy remnants of our democracy,” explained Gingrich, “while ceding ultimate power to a
Republicans File Bankruptcy in Court of Ideas
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican National Committee filed for bankruptcy today in the U.S. Court of Ideas, citing decades of doctrines that don’t work and an inability to generate new thoughts and workable models for society. The GOP has been operating on an idea deficit for decades,
Republican Senators approve tax breaks for Canadians
OTTAWA — Dissatisfied with the stimulus package that made its way through Congress, and the lack of conservative input contained therein, Republican senators voted unanimously over the weekend to give tax breaks to Canadians. “Since we were unable to convince our colleagues, or a majority
White House Touts Double-Digit Employment
WASHINGTON, DC — A new report from the White House indicates that 93% of Americans currently have jobs, superseding previous accounts from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that 7% were out of work. “In only two weeks, we have gone from 7% unemployment to 93% employment,” said Speaker
Republican Scientists Claim Gravity a Scam
The Republican National Committee’s Scientific Advisory Board today issued a report negating claims of an “invisible force that pulls things toward the center of the Earth.” “Sheer nonsense,”
Republicans, Nazis Talk Merger
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it was in preliminary talks with the American Nazi Party to merge into a single cohesive entity, to be known simply as “Extreme Nazis.” “The new party would embrace our common bonds,” said Ed DeLampurdoe,
Warren Jeffs Finds Republicanism in Prison
DRAPER, UT — Disgraced cult leader and delusional kiddie-pimp, Warren Jeffs, currently serving 10 years to life at Utah State Prison, has started a fresh chapter in his life with the declaration of his newly inspired devotion to the Republican party. Jeffs
Rush Limbaugh to Receive Oral-Anal Transplant
WASHINGTON, DC — Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has undergone the world’s first successful oral-anal transplant. The procedure, pioneered by Dr. Kenneth Fargonian of Bethesda Naval Hospital, involves surgically removing the patient’s
Deception Called in McCain Ads
The John McCain campaign is being accused of deception in its advertising,
Republicans Say Goodbye to Elephant
The elephant, long the familiar symbol of the GOP, has followed the Marlboro Man into the dustbin of retired icons. A special committee appointed by the RNC, headed by Newt Gingrich and Ann Coulter, has chosen a new emblem, which will be unveiled at the 2008 Republican convention. The logo, a graphically
The LexiCON: Conservative Lingo Exposed #2
in-tel-li-gent de-sign (in-tel-i-juhnt di-zahyn) n. Term invented to trick school districts into teaching creationism. USAGE: “The universe was created by Intelligent Design. Republicans, not so much.” AKPC_IDS += "303,";
