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Today is: Saturday, September 20, 2014

Tag: republicans

Romney Chooses Wallet as Running Mate

BOSTON (TheSkunk.org) — Mitt Romney surprised pundits on both sides of the aisle today when he announced his wallet will be joining the GOP ticket as his vice presidential running mate.

“After an exhaustive search for potential candidates,” said the presumptive Republican nominee at a rally in front of the state capitol, “my wallet turned out to be the most qualified. It has experience and the respect of the financial community.”

The wallet, a Pierre Cardin leather trifold, accepted Romney’s invitation after being vetted for several weeks by campaign officials.

“We didn’t want to make the same mistake McCain made with Palin,” said one campaign aide. “We looked into every aspect of its life; we turned it inside out, and we liked what we saw.”

“I’ve personally known my wallet for over twenty years,” noted Romney. “It’s leather with 24 karat gold thread used in the stitching. Once the American people get to know my wallet, I’m sure they’ll fall in love with it the way I have.”

Romney told the enthusiastic crowd he looks forward to his wallet debating Joe Biden on the serious issues of the day. “It will be a vice-presidential debate unlike any you’ve ever seen.”

According to the former Massachusetts governor, there is only one qualification for vice president that really matters. “Can it step in at a moment’s notice and be president?”

Answering his own question, he said, “Absolutely yes. My wallet would make a dandy president.”

“I’m delighted to have it in my back pocket,” added Romney, “where I’m sure it will get along fine with the rest of the Republican establishment.”

10 Most Restrictive Anti-Woman Laws of 2012

Since taking over state legislatures in the 2010 election, Republican lawmakers have been finally able to enact their long-sought restrictions on women’s rights, passing legislation that had been stifled by Democratic majorites in the past. Many of these laws, however, don’t get coverage in the mainstream media. As a public service, TheSkunk.org has compiled a list of the ten worst (or best, depending on your political persuasion).

ALABAMA – “Urinary Regulation Act.” Women cannot urinate in public restrooms without first undergoing a state-mandated course on urinary tract infections and viewing a sonogram of their kidneys.

ARIZONA  – “The Surge Act.” While engaged in any sexual activity, women are required to recite John McCain’s entire 2008 concession speech prior to orgasm.

UTAH – The “Ask and Wait” law. Women seeking an abortion must first put their requests in writing — along with a recent photograph of their vagina (preferably hairless or professionally trimmed) — and mail them to the governor at least five weeks prior to having the procedure.

MISSISSIPPI – “Sperm Are Tiny Humans Act.” Redefines spermatozoa as human beings “from the moment of ejaculation,” and creates the new crime of “Mansplotter” if they are not sent directly into a women’s incubation system.

NEW HAMPSHIRE – “You Dirty Whore Act.” Requires women who use oral contraception to list their occupation as “Slut” when applying for government programs.

OHIO – The “Stop, Look and Listen” law. Forces women seeking an abortion to first look at a sonogram of the fetus while listening to the entire 1976 album “Frampton Comes Alive!.”

OKLAHOMA – “Because I Say-So Act.”  Changes definition of “Rape” by requiring only one party to give consent for lawful sexual activity, including cases of incest.  Broadens definition of “incest” to include anyone in Oklahoma having sex with anyone else in Oklahoma.

PENNSYLVANIA – “Internal Online Disclosure” regulation. IUDs must be retro-fitted with tiny cameras, and the pictures posted on Rick Santorum’s Facebook page within 24 hours.

TEXAS – The “Create a New Texan” Act. Women who get pregnant as a result of rape or incest are required to carry the pregnancy to term and name the child “Joe.”

VIRGINIA – “Abortion Waiver” legislation. Governor Bob McDonnell signed into law a bill that would allow women to have an abortion only if they are impregnated by Governor Bob McDonnell.

Donald Trump to Debate His Own Penis

NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) – Unable to book any GOP presidential candidates for a debate he is scheduled to moderate later this month, millionaire businessman Donald Trump today announced he will be debating his own penis.

The format of the debate, to be televised by COX Broadcasting, will be “freestyle one-on-one,” according to the real estate mogul cum reality host. “It’ll be one man and one penis discussing the stimulating issues facing our country.”

Trump is best known as the developer of some of the world’s largest erections, including apartment buildings, hotels, and casinos.

“I always tell people not to underestimate my penis,” said Trump. “It’s head isn’t as big as mine, but it’s very smart.”

Trump brushed off accusations the debate is nothing more than a publicity stunt, insisting viewers will be “enlightened and entertained” listening to him share ideas on the economy and foreign policy with his perspicacious genital organ.

“It’s going to be a wonderful two-hours of television for the whole family,” said Trump, who has invited several impoverished school children to be part of the audience. “You’re really going to see the two of us shake things up.”

Trump claims to have the best debating penis in the world. “I’ve never heard of another penis that can get to the thrust of a topic like mine,” he noted. “It’s up on all the issues and it’s very quick, but I think I can beat it.”

The debate will be interesting, according to Trump, because he and his penis approach subjects from opposite ends. “We don’t always see eye-to-eye on everything,” he said. “We can each be very hardheaded.”

Trump, who claims to be a master debater, said he has been preparing for this ever since he was a teenager. “My penis engages me in important conversations every day, and I think the American people will be interested in what it has to say.”

Depending on the outcome of the debate, Trump said there is still a possibility he will enter the presidential race, most likely as a third-party candidate.

Would he consider choosing his penis as his running mate?

Said Trump: “It’s on my short list.”

 

 

Sandusky to Enter Republican Primary Race

STATE COLLEGE, PA — Former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky has thrown his hat into the 2012 Republican presidential primary race. The alleged pedophile said that Barack Obama has done “terrible harm” to the reputation of the United States, and he “felt compelled to offer myself as a new choice for the American people.”

GOP voters have responded enthusiastically to Sandusky’s announcement. Although little is known about his political views, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said Sandusky offers Republicans “an opportunity to get behind yet another delusional sociopath with no chance of ever becoming president.”

A statement released today from conservative organization Americans for Prosperity called Sandusky “a refreshing alternative to Mitt Romney’s latent liberalism.” In a CNN poll, 32% of Republican voters said that allegations of child sexual abuse would not be a factor in their choice for president.

MSNBC host Lawrence O’Donnell decried Sandusky’s candidacy as “completely disgusting,” calling it “nothing more than an underhanded ploy for the GOP to distract voters from the dismal choices of Rick Perry, Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann.” (The Bachmann campaign said they are looking at Sandusky as a possible running mate.)

Radio host Rush Limbaugh threw his full support behind Sandusky, referring to him as “an American icon.”

“It’s not the government’s responsibility to decide who gets to sodomize a kid,” said Limbaugh on his radio show. “This is an issue that drives liberals crazy. ‘Protect children from contaminated water. Protect children from sexual abuse. Use renewable energy.’ Blah, blah, blah.”

According to Limbaugh, Sandusky is being “unfairly targeted by the liberal-socialist elite.”

A majority of Republican voters seem to agree. The latest CBS News poll shows Sandusky supported by 23% of GOP primary voters, just edging out Newt Gingrich at 22% and Mitt Romney at 20%.

“We have to make sure Barack Obama is a one-term president,” declared Limbaugh, “and if it means we elect a child rapist, I can live with that.”

Priebus acknowledged Sandusky’s shortcomings as a Republican candidate. “Yes, the man lacks leadership skills. He knows nothing about government, has no foreign policy experience, and he’s a sexual predator.”

“In short,” added Priebus, “he’ll fit right in.”

GOP Candidates Call Ten Commandments 'Over-Regulation'; Would Repeal Five of Them

AUSTIN, TX– The GOP presidential candidates believe the Ten Commandments are nothing more than job-killing over-regulation, and have vowed to repeal at least five of them.

Although Governor Rick Perry won a 2005 Supreme Court battle allowing God’s ten famous laws to be displayed publicly at the State Capitol, he believes only nine are necessary, and one of them “should never have been handed down in the first place.”

“If God looked into the eyes of a little girl who lost her mother to a heinous crime,” said Perry, “he would understand why Texas has the highest rate of executions in the country, and he would reverse his position on commandment number five, ‘Thou Shall Not Kill’ — or at least give Texas a waiver.”

While Mitt Romney has not taken an official position on the heavenly prohibition against murder, he announced he would issue an executive order reversing the seventh commandment on his first day in office, citing “Thou Shall Not Steal” as an example of God’s overreach. The problem, according to the former Massachusetts governor, is the definition of what exactly constitutes “stealing.”

“Taking more from a customer than you give in return is part of capitalism,” he said. “Some people might call that ‘stealing,’ but I call it an ‘effective business strategy.’”

Romney said that God, albeit “well-intentioned,” has no business interfering with the free enterprise system. “Let the market sort it all out, like it has for thousands of years.”

Former Speaker New Gingrich has problems with the sixth and tenth commandments, banning adultery and the coveting of a neighbor’s wife, both of which he has considerable experience. “It’s a dangerous intrusion on behalf of the Lord,” said Gingrinch. “I’d repeal both of them.”

Herman Cain agreed. “I think the American people know how to act upon their lustful thoughts better than some invisible, omnipotent being,” he said, noting his support for “less divine intervention” in the lives of man. “Let’s keep the realm of God small, and unburdened by scurrilous, unsubstantiated accusations.”

In addition, Cain said he would get rid of commandment three, “Remember the Sabbath and Keep it Holy.” Acknowledging that Jews and Christians cannot even agree on whether the Sabbath falls on Saturday or Sunday, Cain believes the rule to be arbitrary, capricious, and bad for business.

“These weekend restrictions cannot apply to the retail sector,” said Cain. “Businesses need to be open at the behest of their customers, not at some arbitrary time-frame decreed by the Almighty. The free market should decide your hours of operation, not some damn stone tablets.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann (MN-R) said she would get rid of “all thirteen” commandments and let the individual states “pick and choose” which ones they would keep.

“There’s only one commandment we should be following,” added Bachmann. “And that’s to make Barack Obama a one-term president.”

Republicans Seek to Draft Corpse of Jesse Helms to Run in Presidential Primaries

RALEIGH, NC — Disappointed with the current crop of GOP contenders seeking their party’s presidential nomination, Republican officials are trying to persuade the corpse of the late Senator Jesse Helms to enter the 2012 primary race.

Helms’s corpse, which turned 90 in July, has so far not commented on the “Draft Jesse” movement, which has gained huge momentum in the past few days.

“The RNC has been evaluating the current slate of candidates,” according to Chairman Reince Priebus, “and we haven’t seen anyone — if we’re to be completely honest — who has a snowball’s chance in hell of beating President Obama.”

“We originally thought ‘maybe Rick Perry,’” noted Priebus, who was instrumental in convincing the Texas governor to throw his hat in the ring, “but he’s turned out to be somewhat of a liability, a — what’s the word the kids use — oh yeah, ‘douchebag,’ a real embarrassment, even to Tea Party members.”

That’s when conservative consultant Karl Rove came to Priebus with the idea of digging up Helms. “He’s a legend in the Senate,” Rove told Priebus, “a respected lawmaker who publicly renounced his own racist views in the years prior to his death, yet is still able to remain the consummate conservative in the eyes of our party.”

Rove is convinced Helms could be the next president, and has begun serious fundraising efforts. The “Jesse Helms in 2012″ campaign committee so far raised $7 million dollars, most of it coming from billionaire oil tycoons, David and Charles Koch.

For his running mate, Rove and his associates are pointing to none other than Dan Quayle, who previous served in the VP position under the first Bush administration, from 1989 to 1993. “It will be an unstoppable ticket,” declared Rove, who is credited with getting George W. Bush elected in 2000 and 2004. “If Obama thought the 2010 election was a ‘shellacking,’ wait until he goes head-to-head with Helms-Quayle 2012.”

New polls out today show the Helms corpse ahead in direct face-offs with fellow Republican presidential hopefuls. Against Michele Bachmann, voters prefer Helms 110% to 0. In a match-up against Rick Perry, Helms gets 300%. Helms has a slight edge 53% to 47% against Mitt Romney, but once the campaign ads start, according to Priebus, Romney will be “significantly trounced.”

Although admitting that Helms had made some “regrettable comments” over the course of his political career — mostly limited to blacks, homosexuals, Jews and women — Priebus predicts the Helms corpse will be the overwhelming Republican choice for president, provided he doesn’t make any serious mistakes in his campaign.

“With only a handful of debates still to go,” added Priebus, “and the fact that he’s been dead for almost four years, it’s pretty unlikely he’ll say anything stupid.”

Gingrich Paid for Anal Bleachings with Government Funds

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — According to a statement from the Justice Department, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich paid for multiple anal bleachings during his tenure in Congress using money from his office’s general fund.

The DOJ report claims that from 1993-1999 the presidential hopeful spent over $150,000 to lighten the tint of his rectal opening.

Members of Congress are allotted an average of $1.4 million annually to run their offices.

Although it has been well-known that Gingrich was obsessed with the color of his anus, Washington insiders expressed shock to learn that thousands of dollars in over-the-counter anal bleaching products were being charged to his congressional expense account — in addition to the services of a highly regarded Washington plastic surgeon.

According to Dr. Emile L’Dros, Gingrich joked about having the procedure done to “eliminate any and all traces of my African root.”

“He was anal in his quest for perfection,” quipped L’Dros. “He wasn’t satisfied until the walls of his anus blended seamlessly with the cleavage of his milky white buttocks.”

After the initial session, Gingrich returned to L’Dros almost weekly for “touch-ups.”

“He’d show up to work following his doctor’s appointments,” remembered one staffer, “pull his trousers down, spread his cheeks and say, ‘Does it match, now?’”

Attorney General Eric Holder said the charges against Gingrich are very serious. “It doesn’t matter whether he used that money for a cheeseburger or to whiten his ebony-stained rectal cavity, the fact remains that he embezzled thousands of taxpayer dollars for his personal use, and he will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

If convicted, Gingrich could serve 10-20 years in a federal prison, where, added Holder, “that pearly white manhole will have a lot of admirers.”

Michele Bachmann Opposes No-Fly Zone in Favor of No-Mosquito Zone

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Rep. Michele Bachman today told reporters that when President Obama initiated an unauthorized no-fly zone above Libya, he not only violated the constitution, but placed Libyan children at risk. She seeks to replace the policy with a “no-mosquito” zone.

“Flies are an important part of African culture,” said the conservative congresswoman. “God made flies to protect little African babies, and I can often see them buzzing around their little faces when my Christian missionary friends send me pictures from Uganda.”

Bachmann called the no-fly zone a “terrible idea,” and compares the prohibition of flies in Africa to “banning unlimited corporate spending on my 2012 presidential campaign.”

She asserts that had the president first consulted with Congress, the Republican majority would have voted down the no-fly zone and, instead, authorized a no-mosquito zone.

“Mosquitoes are pesky little creatures who serve no purpose whatsoever,” she said. “Even God doesn’t like them. He told me so, himself.”

According to Bachmann, the presence of mosquitoes in Libya has “undoubtedly hindered the rebels’ ability to take on Gadhafi’s forces.”

“You never see mosquitoes in those orphan baby pictures,” she noted. “Why? Because they don’t like to be photographed. They are devious, and they like to hide. If we can prevent them from ever flying again, it won’t be too soon for me.”

Bachmann has sent letters to her colleagues, asking them to repeal “this misguided no-fly zone” and replace it with a no-mosquito zone.

“Our president is a black man who doesn’t like flies,” added Bachmann. “Is that really the change the American people voted for?”

Republicans Reject No-Lie Zone

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Opposing efforts by Democrats in Congress to pass a no-lie zone over the nation’s capital, Republican lawmakers say they will defeat any legislation requiring honest discourse and veracity from elected officials.

The proposed legislation, known as HB-95 “Creating a Domestic No-Lie Zone that Would Forbid Anyone, Particularly Republicans, from Making Untrue and Dishonest Statements to the American People,” would make it illegal for any politician, PAC, or campaign donor to knowingly espouse falsehoods for the purpose of swaying the public to a particular point of view and/or getting themselves elected.

“Deception is an integral component of our political process,” declared Speaker John Boehner. “It enables us to convince the American public to accept policies that are inherently unfair and hurtful to them.  Any  attempts to create a no-lie zone in the U.S. will make it tougher to push through legislation that puts the interests of our corporate donors over those of the working class, and will be met with sweeping opposition.”

“This big government mandate to speak the truth is just another socialistic program from the big-government progressives in Congress,” stated Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). “First, it’s a no-lie zone, then what’s next, anti-corruption legislation?”

Former Governor Sarah Palin, who may be considering a run for the White House in 2012, asserted the ability to mislead the public is a “basic American right, founded in the hallowed principles of the Constitution.”

“The government can’t make a law requiring its servants to be honest,” said Palin. “This is a huge overreach of federal authority and a violation of the second amendment or the thirty-third — or maybe both or all of them.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell called the proposal “impractical,” contending it would be impossible to enforce such a law. “We’d need people to start listening carefully to everything we say, and then verify our facts for accuracy. It would create a whole new government bureaucracy responsible for alerting the public everytime we utter a half-truth, or claim as reality an over-the-top fabrication.”

The Tea Party has made the no-lie zone their new cause d’jour, and plans to hold a protest rally outside the Capitol at the end of the week. “It’s a free country,” noted one tea bagger. “I should be allowed to be lied to by my government officials if that’s my choice.”

To emphasize the point, he held up a bumper sticker that read: “Hear What You Want to Hear.  Defeat the No-Lie Zone.”

He added: “Ain’t nobody in Washington gonna force me to handle the truth.”

Mitt Romney Eager to Lose 2012 Election

BOSTON — Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney is eager to lose the 2012 election to incumbent Barack Obama.

Romney, who failed to gain his party’s nomination in the 2008 presidential primaries, said he looks forward to being the 2012 Republican nominee and enduring an incredible “whooping” by President Obama on election night. 

“I can’t wait to see just how badly I’ll get my ass kicked,” said the former Massachusetts Governor in a telephone interview with CNN. “Through my candidacy, Americans will experience the largest defeat in the history of our great nation.”

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus disagreed. “We know we’re going to lose decisively to the incumbent president,” he said, “but I think it would be in the neighborhood of six-to-one – hardly the big ass-kicking everyone’s predicting.”

Nevertheless, Romney is forging ahead with his campaign. Using his own money, he has already had 50,000 bumper stickers printed with his new campaign slogan, “Goin’ Down.”

An exploratory committee has been formed to determine whether Romney will lose by a respectable enough percentage to justify soliciting outside contributions.

“The enormity of my humiliating defeat,” stated a confident Romney, “will be matched only by the hundreds of millions of dollars corporations will flush down the toilet trying to get me elected.”

He added, “I’m excited to challenge the president with a spirited, highly ineffective campaign.”