GOP Removes ‘Family Values’ from Platform
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it will be removing the much-hyped “Family Values” agenda from its platform.
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GOP Elephant Switches Parties
BALTIMORE — On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter’s jump to the Democratic Party, the GOP Elephant — longtime mascot of the Republicans — has announced he, too, is switching political affiliations.
Republicans Propose Ayatollah System for U.S.
WASHINGTON, DC — In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government.
Republicans File Bankruptcy in Court of Ideas
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican National Committee filed for bankruptcy today in the U.S. Court of Ideas, citing decades of doctrines that don’t work and an inability to generate new thoughts and workable models for society.
Republican Senators Approve Tax Breaks for Canadians
OTTAWA — Dissatisfied with the stimulus package that made its way through Congress, and the lack of conservative input contained therein, Republican senators voted unanimously over the weekend to give tax breaks to Canadians.
White House Touts Double-Digit Employment
WASHINGTON, DC — A new report from the White House indicates that 93% of Americans currently have jobs, superseding previous accounts from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that 7% were out of work.
Republican Scientists Claim Gravity a Scam
The Republican National Committee’s Scientific Advisory Board today issued a report negating claims of an “invisible force that pulls things toward the center of the Earth.”
Republicans, Nazis Talk Merger
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it was in preliminary talks with the American Nazi Party to merge into a single cohesive entity, to be known simply as “Extreme Nazis.”
Warren Jeffs Finds Republicanism in Prison
Disgraced cult leader and delusional kiddie-pimp Warren Jeffs converted to Republicanism.
Rush Limbaugh to Receive Oral-Anal Transplant
WASHINGTON, DC – Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has undergone the world’s first successful oral-anal transplant.
