McCain Beatable by Anyone, Everyone

John McCain with his takling Jesus head

A poll taken in the first week of May suggests that John McCain would not only lose to either Senators Obama or Clinton if the elections were held today, but anyone else who ran against him. In a list of over one-hundred hypothetical opponents, all of them faired better than the senator from Arizona.

Against “Indiana Jones” star, Harrison Ford, Senator McCain would lose 82% to 8%. Harrison’s wife, Callista Flockhart, would beat McCain 55% to 45%, and Randy Jackson (of “American Idol” fame) would trounce the war hero, 93% to 7%. Dead politicians also seemed to have the upper hand, with Warren Harding, Grover Cleveland, Thomas Dewey and Richard Nixon each coming out ahead of McCain by at least twenty points.

“This is the biggest problem for McCain,” said one Republican strategist. “The American people believe that anyone else in the entire world — living or dead — would make a better president. How do you campaign against that? You can’t go negative against civilization.”

McCain responded with his usual cavalier attitude. “Samuel Goldwyn said, ‘Pay no attention to the critics; don’t even ignore them.’ That’s how I feel about polls. Opinions change and we have a long road ahead of us before the elections.”

That “long road” would take an even longer and stranger detour if McCain were to run against convicted criminals. Ted Kaczynski, the “Unabomber,” for instance, would win by nine points, Doctor “Death” Kevorkian by fifteen percent, and the Menendez brothers would each receive 60% of the vote to McCain’s 40%.

The pollsters also included unknown variables. When running against “To Be Determined,” McCain lost by sixteen points. “Abstain” beat him 73% to 27%.

Cartoon characters performed just as well. Daffy Duck, Scooby Doo and Buzz Lightyear would each beat McCain by substantial margins. And Mickey Mouse would completely sweep the floor with the septuagenarian, winning 100% of the votes to McCain’s 0%.

The poll has a margin of error of +/-2 percentage points.

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