WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term.
Calling the November elections a “distraction from the serious work of the White House,” the president signed on for another four years, with “unlimited options to renew.”
As a result of the announcement, the 2008 Republican and Democratic nominees have put their campaigns on hold.
“We’re very disappointed,” said Sen. Obama in a statement. “We really wanted to make positive changes in Washington, and didn’t see this coming.”
A disheartened Sen. John McCain took it all in stride. “I’m no fan of the current administration,” he said. “But if the president signed an official order, then I guess there’s really nothing we can do.”
“This executive order gives me a lot of political capital,” said the president, “and I intend to spend it like piss in a whorehouse.”
First on the agenda for the lifetime president is the relocation of congress to Guantanamo Bay, and the annointment of Dick Cheney as “Grand Vizier.” Following that will be the mandatory relocation of Jews to the Holy Land. “They can stay in this country,” said Bush, “if they’ll agree to have little crosses burned into their foreheads.”
Congressmen Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul, along with third party candidate Ralph Nader, filed for an emergency hearing at the Supreme Court to have the executive order invalidated, but the justices refused to hear the case, with Antonin Scalia shouting, “Fuck you, I’m a Viscount, now!”
In a televised speech to the nation, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), told Americans that impeachment of Bush is “off the table. We need to submit to our lord and master,” said Pelosi, “in a bi-partisan manner over the next four — or twenty — or thirty years.”
Bill Clinton, working with aids patient in Rwanda when he heard the news, was asked his opinion of the new Bush doctrine. The former president chuckled and said, “I wish I had thought of that.”