PHILADELPHIA, PA — A surprising BSN poll conducted this morning indicated that almost half of the women who supported Hillary Clinton in the primaries have dramatically changed their opinions on major liberal issues, just so they can vote for Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin in November.
From coast to coast, these erstwhile liberal Democrats, a constituency diverse in background, education, and economic status, are making concerted efforts to change their thinking on the issues about which they have been the most passionate, including the war in Iraq, choice, equal pay, gun control and the environment.
Joanne Arbigail of Indianapolis, for example, a longtime supporter of Senator Clinton, said she dislikes governor Palin’s politics and never considered voting for her “because her views are so radically different from mine and Hillary’s.”
Although she despised everything Sarah Palin stood for, Ms. Arbigail “really, really” wanted a woman in the White House “at any cost.” That’s when she decided to simply change her own views. “It’s a lot easier than I thought it would be,” said. Arbigail. “I made a conscious decision to no longer believe I have the right to make decisions concerning my own body. I convinced myself that the war in Iraq is a good thing and that Christianity is the only correct religion. Then I decided not to give a fuck if a man makes twice my pay performing the same job.”
So far, it appears to be working. Arbigail said she’s already laughed in the faces of two volunteers at the local homeless shelter and has written a letter to General Petraeus, asking that her teenage son be accepted immediately into the armed services, sent to Baghdad and “put in harm’s way as soon as possible.”
A spokesperson for the McCain campaign confirmed that this was part of an overall strategy to sway Clinton supporters to vote against their consciences. “We made a major miscalculation in thinking these women would elect Governor Palin simply because she’s a woman. We had no idea they had a certain core set of beliefs in common with Senator Clinton. This was a real problem, but then Senator McCain came up with this new strategy, himself.”
That “new strategy,” according to the spokesperson, involves McCain staffers travelling the country, demonstrating to the Clinton constituents “how easy it is to change your core beliefs and values, with just a minimal amount of effort. Once you get over that little hurdle, Governor Palin becomes a very appealing candidate.”
The voters seem to agree. “When all is said and done,” said Dr. Vicky Traner, a professor of Women’s Studies at NYU, “most of us really do want to put a woman in the White House, regardless of who it is. And seeing how she [Palin] won’t change her views to agree with us, we’re willing to sacrifice our personal integrity and moral fortitude to send one of our sisters to Washington.”
Dr. Traner, a former gun control advocate, is taking a sick day from teaching in order to travel upstate, where she will be hunting deer with the semi-automatic rifle she recently purchased on eBay. “I don’t even know how to use this thing,” said Traner. “I guess I’ll just pull the trigger and let Jesus guide the bullets.”
She pantomimed holding up an imaginary rifle and blowing away some unfortunate beast. “God bless Sarah Palin.”