WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it will be removing the much-hyped “Family Values” agenda from its platform.
Year: 2009
Steve Jobs Downloads Liver Update
Apple CEO Steven Jobs has received an update to his liver to correct serious vulnerabilities detected in the previous version.
Obama Kills Elk with Bare Hands
YELLOWSTONE — The response to President Obama’s swatting of a fly with his open palm during an NBC interview was so overwhelming, it prompted him to seek out other animals to kill with his bare hands.
GOP Elephant Switches Parties
BALTIMORE — On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter’s jump to the Democratic Party, the GOP Elephant — longtime mascot of the Republicans — has announced he, too, is switching political affiliations.
Republicans Propose Ayatollah System for U.S.
WASHINGTON, DC — In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government.
Pope Gives Bible a Second Look and Says It Makes No Sense
VATICAN CITY — Pope Benedict XVI recently re-read the Bible and came to the conclusion that it made no sense. In a recent press conference, the Pontiff told reporters he decided to read the Holy Scriptures merely for pleasure, and was taken aback by “how confusing and illogical it is.”
Magic Accuse Lakers of Greasing Balls
After losing the 2009 NBA Finals 4-1, Orlando players have accused the Lakers of applying a foreign substance to the basketball to make it easier for them to score.
Surgeons Replace Man’s Severed Penis with his Big Toe
A man whose penis was severed from his body recently underwent surgery to replace the missing appendage with the big toe from his right foot.
Ugly Girl Asks Rapist to Prom
Myrna Tidfedder endured a lifetime of rude remarks about her appearance, but that didn’t stop the Maywood High School senior from finding someone willing to be seen with her at the cherished event.
Woman Accused of Changing Husband's 'Sleep Number'
DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress. Arlene Gimbleman had bought the king-size bed five years earlier as a gift for her spouse, whose lower back had been giving him problems since childhood.
