Advertisers Slow Down Commercials for DVR Users
NEW YORK — Having gotten wise to television viewers fast-forwarding through advertisements on their DVRs, advertisers have decided to slow down their commercials to 25% of normal speed.
Business
Union Bank Vagina Preferred over Walmart Puckered Anus
In a recent opinion poll, consumers preferred the new Union Bank logo, a swollen red vagina, to Walmart’s yellow puckered anus, by a margin of two-to-one.
Madoff Seeks Partnership with Ford
DURHAM, NC — Upon learning that Ford Motor Company posted a surprise second-quarter profit of $2.3 billion, convicted investment manager Bernard Madoff announced his intention to partner with the American automaker to create an energy-efficient all-green vehicle called the “Ponzi.”
UPS Man Disappointed in Career Choice
BALTIMORE — Deliveryman Henry Zulligan said he regrets the decision he made after graduating high school that put him behind the wheel of a brown UPS truck every day for the past twenty-six years.
Steve Jobs Downloads Liver Update
Apple CEO Steven Jobs has received an update to his liver to correct serious vulnerabilities detected in the previous version.
Guantanamo Detainee New CEO of Chrysler
DETROIT/GUANTANAMO BAY — Terrorist Abdullah Reza Mafabi, imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for conspiring with Al Qaeda, is now the number-one man at Chrysler.
New Microsoft Automobile Needs Reboot
SEATTLE — Bill Gates has thrown his hat into the auto manufacturing ring. Microsoft’s first generation of vehicles will be the aptly named “Car, VER. 01,” and will feature internet connectivity and voice activated controls.
GM Recalling 1.5M Vehicles over Impalings
General Motors Corp. is recalling 1.5 million vehicles because of potential cranial impalings.
Ponzi Heirs Sue Madoff for Infringement
NEW YORK — Descendants of legendary scammer Charles Ponzi (1882-1949) sued Bernard Madoff today for infringing on the rights to their patriarch’s proprietary system of bilking money from innocent investors.
Jews Demote Madoff to Arab
Once a highly-ranked, card-carrying Jew, Bernard Madoff, the mastermind behind the largest financial scam in history, has been reduced in rank to Arab.
