Moviegoer Unwilling to Suspend His Disbelief
SAN DIEGO — Collin McArthur has never enjoyed going to a movie because he finds the characters and stories on the screen completely unbelievable, calling the whole experience “just a big waste of time.”
Skunk Classics
Madoff Looks Forward to Life After Prison
NEW YORK — Convicted financier Bernie Madoff, sentenced to 150 years for perpetrating the largest financial scam in history, remains optimistic about life after prison.
GOP Elephant Switches Parties
BALTIMORE — On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter’s jump to the Democratic Party, the GOP Elephant — longtime mascot of the Republicans — has announced he, too, is switching political affiliations.
Surgeons Replace Man’s Severed Penis with his Big Toe
A man whose penis was severed from his body recently underwent surgery to replace the missing appendage with the big toe from his right foot.
Ugly Girl Asks Rapist to Prom
Myrna Tidfedder endured a lifetime of rude remarks about her appearance, but that didn’t stop the Maywood High School senior from finding someone willing to be seen with her at the cherished event.
Obama Approves Sandwich-Boarding
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected terrorists.
Cheney to Host Waterboarding Finals
NEW YORK — ESPN has entered into an agreement with former vice president Dick Cheney to host the 2009 Waterboarding Finals, to be broadcast live from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Unemployment Soars Among Unemployment Office Workers
SACRAMENTO — The California Employment Development Department (EDD), the agency responsible for distributing unemployment benefits to millions of the state’s laid-off employees, has itself begun laying off thousands of its own staff members.
Jews Demote Madoff to Arab
Once a highly-ranked, card-carrying Jew, Bernard Madoff, the mastermind behind the largest financial scam in history, has been reduced in rank to Arab.
Obama Wants Citizens to Print their Own Money
DENVER — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City.
