Culture

Oldest Woman in the World Dies at 115 from 'Unknown Causes'

LARAMIE, KY – Agnes Harper, the oldest woman in the world, died mysteriously in her sleep Thursday night at her nursing home. She was 115.

Forensic medical experts and homicide investigators are at a loss to explain her passing. “We haven’t ruled anything out,” said Chief Clyde Barnsdell of the Laramie Police Department. “Anytime a hundred-and-fifteen-year-old woman stops breathing for no apparent reason, it’s always suspicious.”

McCain to Enslave Poor

SUPREMECY, OH — In a last-ditch-effort to present a solution to the nation’s ailing economy, Senator John McCain today disclosed a new plan to allow small businesses to utilize the country’s poor without having to compensate them.