Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Mitt Romney 'Shellshocked' After Losing Papal Election to Argentine Socialist
According to a senior adviser, Romney was “shellshocked” upon learning that he lost the papacy to Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now known as Pope Francis.
Rand Paul Pisses on Floor of Senate Chamber for 13 Hours
Paul said the purpose of his marathon urination session was to delay the vote on the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA director, by “making the Senate floor really uncomfortable to walk on.”
LaPierre Plan Would Allow Infants to Purchase Guns
NRA chief Wayne LaPierre proposed eliminating the minimum age requirement for purchasing firearms.
Wayne LaPierre ‘Terrified’ by Guns
NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre told reporters Thursday that he is “absolutely terrified” by guns and has never fired one in his entire life.
Producers of 'Argo' to Digitally Replace Ben Affleck with Better Actor
Producers of the Academy Award nominated film Argo have decided to use digital technology to replace Ben Affleck with another, better actor.
Man Who Watched Entire Dorner Saga Unfold on TV Claims Reward Money
An unemployed bartender who watched the entire Dorner investigation on TV was the recipient of the $1 million reward.
At Carnival, Every Deck is a Poop Deck
Carnival Cruise Line’s new “Go Where You Are” policy allows passengers to complete their business wherever they are on the ship.
Pope Offered Job as Tobacco Lobbyist
Ending days of speculation on what Pope Benedict XVI will be doing in retirement now that he has announced his resignation, the Pontiff told reporters he has accepted a job with RJ Reynolds Tobacco, and will be working to help Congress draft laws that are “sensible for the tobacco industry.”
Fugitive Squirrel Lurking Somewhere in Neighborhood
Deputies are combing the neighborhood for the suspected nut grabber.
