Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Local Family Wants to Secede from Neighborhood
“We want to make this a friendly split,” explained Barton, “but my family and I are willing to take whatever measures we deem necessary to protect our liberty.”
Lawmakers Consider Banning Heterosexuals from Military
Recent accusations of improper testosterone-driven conduct have outraged members of Congress, who claim the military is no place for unrestrained heterosexual behavior.
GOP Blames Loss on Too Many People Voting for Other Candidate
Republicans have been reflecting on the results of the 2012 presidential election, trying to find an explanation for the humiliating defeat that left their party shell-shocked and grieving.
Chris Christie to Participate in Macy’s Parade as Balloon
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today announced that he will be joining Hello Kitty, SpongeBob…
Your Dad Will Never Have as Much Money As Me
Commentary by Mitt Romney. Whether I am sworn in as the 45th president on January 20, 2013 or have the opportunity to give an incredibly humble, yet patriotic concession speech the night before, I will still, always and forever, have more money than your old man.
NY to Replace Subway Trains with Submarines
“Our cost analysis shows that it’s cheaper to replace the trains with submarines than it is to pump the water out of the tunnels,” said MTA spokesperson Kyle Blodgers.
Black Guy Who Appears Behind Romney at Campaign Rallies Asks for Raise
George K. Johnson, who was brought onto the Romney campaign in 2011 to “give the illusion of African America support,” said he receives $5 per appearance.
Romney Begins Construction on His Presidential Library One Week Before Election
Romney said the library will offer a comprehensive look at his presidency, including an entire wing dedicated to “my landslide victory in the 2012 election.”
Undecided Voters Drawn Toward Romney's Indecisiveness
A new survey today of undecided voters found that either 60% or 75% or 32% of them were drawn toward Mitt Romney, because of the kinship they feel with the former Massachusetts Governor’s history of flip-flops, indecisiveness and fluctuating opinions.
Should Texas cheerleaders be allowed to hold up bible verses during games?
“Only if they’re sucking the backup quarterback’s dick at the same time.”
–James Z. Marquetta,
Backup Quarterback,
Stone Pony High School,
Dallas, TX
