Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
William and Kate Promise to Restore Medieval Values to Monarchy
Britain’s newest pair of royals have laid out plans to return their nation to the totalitarian rule enjoyed by their countrymen in the 15th century.
What are their plans?
Boehner Assures Public His Taxes Won't Go Up
John Boehner assured the American people that whatever version of the budget is finally passed, his personal taxes will not increase.
Alien Refutes Abductee's Version of Events
A man’s account of being abducted by aliens is being disputed by the aliens.
What really happened?
Glenn Beck Offered Professorship at Yeshiva University
Fox TV personality Glenn Beck has been offered a professorship at Yeshiva University.
What will he be teaching?
Straight Man Likes to Act Gay
A pharmacist at a downtown Walgreens said he pretends to be a homosexual every now and then “just for fun.”
Gingrich Paid for Anal Bleachings with Government Funds
Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich paid for multiple anal bleachings during his tenure in Congress using money from his office’s general fund.
How much did he spend?
Michele Bachmann Opposes No-Fly Zone in Favor of No-Mosquito Zone
Michele Bachmann told reports she wants to repeal the no-fly zone over Libya and replace it with something else.
Compulsive Masturbation 'Unconstitutional' Says Bachmann
WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Rep. Michele Bachmann told reporters today that compulsive masturbation was unconstitutional, asserting that lawmakers cannot “force citizens to get themselves off.”
Japanese Blame Nuclear Disaster on Faulty Floor Mats
TOKYO (TheSkunk.org) — A couple of improperly fitted floor mats from a 2009 Toyota Camry were cited as the cause of the partial meltdown of reactor cores at Japan’s Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant.
New Report: Patience No Longer a Virtue
ARLINGTON, VA (TheSkunk.org) — After reviewing the results of a nationwide study, the American Psychiatric Association has removed “patience” from its list of virtues in the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
