SEATTLE — Bill Gates has thrown his hat into the auto manufacturing ring. Microsoft’s first generation of vehicles will be the aptly named “Car, VER. 01,” and will feature internet connectivity and voice activated controls.
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter has announced that as of Monday he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females.
The growing controversy as to whether or not Miss California should keep her crown ended today when pageant owner Donald Trump declared the young beauty queen “perfectly doable.”
THE INTERNET — Armed with a single Xbox controller, an assailant went on a rampage at Allerman Online University, firing hundreds of virtual rounds at student avatars and targeting the school’s About page and interactive flash instructions.
BLOOMINGTON, IN — An armed gunman who went on a rampage at Indiana University on Thursday was unable to inflict injuries to anyone, despite firing hundreds of rounds into a crowded campus rally.
ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine Flu,” are pigs.
AFGHAN-PAKISTANI BORDER — Al-Qaida anounced on Monday it will be terminating its Waterboarding Survival course, which has been offered to its members since 9/11.
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected terrorists.
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NEW YORK — ESPN has entered into an agreement with former vice president Dick Cheney to host the 2009 Waterboarding Finals, to be broadcast live from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Trump Renames ‘Greenland’ to ‘White Land’ 
Trump to Remove Indigo from Color Spectrum 
Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
