Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Christ's Lover Chastises Gay Marriage Opponents
SACRAMENTO — Moses Josephson, the gay lover of Jesus Christ, returned from the dead on Good Friday to plead with anti-gay marriage activists to cease their activities.
Marine Life Protest North Korean Missile Attack
PACIFIC OCEAN — An alliance of squid, eels, rays, deep sea bass and other marine animals voiced their opposition to North Korea’s launch of a missile over the weekend that struck deep into their territory.
Unemployment Soars Among Unemployment Office Workers
SACRAMENTO — The California Employment Development Department (EDD), the agency responsible for distributing unemployment benefits to millions of the state’s laid-off employees, has itself begun laying off thousands of its own staff members.
Man Loses House to Pay Admission to Disney Park
ANAHEIM, CA — An unemployed man recently lost his home to foreclosure after refinancing it with a sub-prime mortgage to pay for annual admission to Disneyland for his family of eight.
Should the USA Create a British-Style Monarchy?
“What’s wrong with the butterflies we already have?”
— Jane Fitzpatrick,
Eco-Massage Instructor,
Tempe, AZ
Jesus' Suicide Note Unearthed
JERUSALEM — New archaeological evidence uncovered over the weekend suggests that Jesus was not sentenced to crucifixion by the Roman Empire as previously believed, but that he committed suicide by nailing his own writsts to the cross.
How Long do You See The Current Recession Lasting?
I reckon she’s a-gonna last long enough for us to get a-plenty hungry. We already begun eatin’ cah-yoots instead of yer more expensive main staples, side-winders and jackalopes. Dang, I miss chawin’ a good jackalope antler…
— Bob Galford,
Retired Crossing Guard,
Amarillo, TX
Tibetan Monk Accidentally Sets Himself on Fire
SHIGATSE, TIBET -– A Buddhist monk accidentally set himself on fire Friday, as an admiring…
Justice Ginsburg to Pose for 'Women of the Supreme Court' Calendar
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, 75, agreed to pose nude for “The Women of the Supreme Court” calendar, a project designed to raise awareness for women’s cancer.
Is Air Pollution Getting Worse?
“Yes, but with my hemorrhaging lungs and liver rankled with cancer from a lifetime of breathing, I welcome this new generation of pollutants — they afford a more balanced exposure to toxicity than in the past.”
–Susan Parks,
Manager, Mario’s Adult Videoland and Daycare
Detroit, MI
