Former vice-president Dick Cheney said in an interview Monday that the Somali pirates who have been wreaking havoc on commercial shipping off the coast of East Africa are responsible for the World Trade Center attacks of September 11, 2001.
General Motors Corp. is recalling 1.5 million vehicles because of potential cranial impalings.
HORN OF AFRICA — Referring to themselves as rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves, modern-day Somalian pirates have fashioned themselves after characters from Disney’s “Pirates of the Carribbean.”
SACRAMENTO — Moses Josephson, the gay lover of Jesus Christ, returned from the dead on Good Friday to plead with anti-gay marriage activists to cease their activities.
PACIFIC OCEAN — An alliance of squid, eels, rays, deep sea bass and other marine animals voiced their opposition to North Korea’s launch of a missile over the weekend that struck deep into their territory.
SACRAMENTO — The California Employment Development Department (EDD), the agency responsible for distributing unemployment benefits to millions of the state’s laid-off employees, has itself begun laying off thousands of its own staff members.
ANAHEIM, CA — An unemployed man recently lost his home to foreclosure after refinancing it with a sub-prime mortgage to pay for annual admission to Disneyland for his family of eight.
“What’s wrong with the butterflies we already have?”
— Jane Fitzpatrick,
Eco-Massage Instructor,
Tempe, AZ
JERUSALEM — New archaeological evidence uncovered over the weekend suggests that Jesus was not sentenced to crucifixion by the Roman Empire as previously believed, but that he committed suicide by nailing his own writsts to the cross.
I reckon she’s a-gonna last long enough for us to get a-plenty hungry. We already begun eatin’ cah-yoots instead of yer more expensive main staples, side-winders and jackalopes. Dang, I miss chawin’ a good jackalope antler…
— Bob Galford,
Retired Crossing Guard,
Amarillo, TX
Trump Renames ‘Greenland’ to ‘White Land’ 
Trump to Remove Indigo from Color Spectrum 
Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
