SACRAMENTO — The California Employment Development Department (EDD), the agency responsible for distributing unemployment benefits to millions of the state’s laid-off employees, has itself begun laying off thousands of its own staff members.
ANAHEIM, CA — An unemployed man recently lost his home to foreclosure after refinancing it with a sub-prime mortgage to pay for annual admission to Disneyland for his family of eight.
“What’s wrong with the butterflies we already have?”
— Jane Fitzpatrick,
Eco-Massage Instructor,
Tempe, AZ
JERUSALEM — New archaeological evidence uncovered over the weekend suggests that Jesus was not sentenced to crucifixion by the Roman Empire as previously believed, but that he committed suicide by nailing his own writsts to the cross.
I reckon she’s a-gonna last long enough for us to get a-plenty hungry. We already begun eatin’ cah-yoots instead of yer more expensive main staples, side-winders and jackalopes. Dang, I miss chawin’ a good jackalope antler…
— Bob Galford,
Retired Crossing Guard,
Amarillo, TX
SHIGATSE, TIBET -– A Buddhist monk accidentally set himself on fire Friday, as an admiring…
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, 75, agreed to pose nude for “The Women of the Supreme Court” calendar, a project designed to raise awareness for women’s cancer.
“Yes, but with my hemorrhaging lungs and liver rankled with cancer from a lifetime of breathing, I welcome this new generation of pollutants — they afford a more balanced exposure to toxicity than in the past.”
–Susan Parks,
Manager, Mario’s Adult Videoland and Daycare
Detroit, MI
DENVER — A Colorado motorist was given a citation from a local law enforcement officer for leaving his car parked at a curbside meter several minutes after the time had expired.
NEW YORK — Descendants of legendary scammer Charles Ponzi (1882-1949) sued Bernard Madoff today for infringing on the rights to their patriarch’s proprietary system of bilking money from innocent investors.
