Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Did O.J. Get Sentenced Appropriately?
“Yes. I thought the judge’s tonal quality and demeanor were very appropriate. I find courts prone toward histrionics and self-promotion very offensive.”
— Cindy Pushing,
Nude Model,
Arleta, CA
Automakers Form Suicide Pact
DETROIT — The chief executives from Ford, GM and Chrysler, fresh from groveling to Congress to bail their respective firms out from under their mismanagement and poor judgment, have issued a statement today outlining plans for their joint suicide. Should any of the Big Three automakers be unable to repay the billions of dollars they are requesting from the federal government, all three CEOs have vowed to kill themselves.
GM CEO Says Employees will Work for $1 if Company Receives Bailout
DETROIT — On the heels of Ford CEO Alan Mulally’s promise to work for $1…
Al Qaeda Sues Mumbai Terrorists for Infringement
The Al Qaeda organization has filed papers in a Manhattan court, alleging that the militant group Lashkar-e-Taiba has infringed upon their intellectual property rights by creating an Al Qaeda-like attack in Mumbai, India, without authorization.
Oldest Woman in the World Dies at 115 from 'Unknown Causes'
LARAMIE, KY – Agnes Harper, the oldest woman in the world, died mysteriously in her sleep Thursday night at her nursing home. She was 115.
Forensic medical experts and homicide investigators are at a loss to explain her passing. “We haven’t ruled anything out,” said Chief Clyde Barnsdell of the Laramie Police Department. “Anytime a hundred-and-fifteen-year-old woman stops breathing for no apparent reason, it’s always suspicious.”
"Black Friday" to Be Renamed Under Obama
CHICAGO — As one of his first orders as President of the United States, Barack Obama pledged to rename “Black Friday” – the first day after Thanksgiving in which most retailers begin making a profit – as “Multiracial Friday.”
Republican Scientists Claim Gravity a Scam
The Republican National Committee’s Scientific Advisory Board today issued a report negating claims of an “invisible force that pulls things toward the center of the Earth.”
Atheist Fundamentalists Force Library on Church
RURAL FALLS, TN — A group of Atheists converged upon a vacant lot belonging to a…
Republicans, Nazis Talk Merger
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it was in preliminary talks with the American Nazi Party to merge into a single cohesive entity, to be known simply as “Extreme Nazis.”
Horse and Buggy Manufacturers Seek Fed Assistance
WASHINGTON, DC — Two horse and buggy manufacturing executives made a trip to Capitol Hill on Friday, seeking government assistance for their flailing industry.
