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Tea Party divided over brewed or steeped
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Tempers rose and tea bags flew everywhere at the first national Tea Party conference, as attendees became embroiled in a bitter dipute over the specific type of beverage referred to in their their
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Airport screener finds digested tacos in man’s colon
LOS ANGELES — An alert security screener at LAX yesterday discovered the digested remains of two crunchy tacos concealed inside a passenger’s colon as he was preparing
GOP opposes ‘public option’ for Haitians
WASHINGTON — Republican lawmakers today strongly condemned President Obama’s use of a government funded “public option” to provide medical aid to
Cross tattooed on Clarence Thomas’ lower back violates separation of church and state, says Sotomayor
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor issued a formal complaint about a cross tattooed on Clarence Thomas’s lower back — a form of body art known as a “Tramp Stamp” — calling
Palin fans can’t read book
FORKS BEND, KY – Some fans of Sarah Palin were disappointed with the former Alaska Governor’s best seller, “Going Rogue,” when they realized they were unable
Palin accidentally burns her own book
ANTWILLIE, TENN — Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin attended a book burning rally Friday, where she unwittingly participated in the incineration of hundreds of copies of her upcoming autobiography “Going Rogue.” Palin made the planned stop at the small Church of Righteous Indignation to
Palin vagina announces run for senate
The vagina of former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced this morning its plan to run for the Senate seat from Alaska in 2010. Palin speaks without the benefit of her vagina The vagina said it is no longer associated with Palin, and looks forward to expressing its own views, independent
Pedophiles claim 2nd Amendment protection
WASHINGTON — The National Pedophile Association says kidnapping and rape are constitutionally protected activities under the 2nd Amendment’s “Right to Bear Arms” clause. NPA
Obama warns of ‘Axis of Buffoonery’
President Obama today warned the world of the threat posed by leaders Hugo Chavez, Muammar al-Gaddafi and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whom he referred to as the “Axis of Buffoonery,”
Fox News operated by liberals
Shockwaves were sent through the conservative community today, when an anonymous video uploaded to YouTube revealed that the Fox News organization is operated by hard-core liberals. In the hidden camera video, which was taken inside a conference room during a high-level Fox editorial meeting, former
Kanye West hired by Republicans to heckle President
WASHINGTON — The Republican National Committee has hired Kanye West to interrupt President Obama’s speeches on healthcare, according to RNC Chairman Michael Steele. “We thought we scored a touchdown for our ‘distract and deter’ policy with [Congressman Joe] Wilson,” said Steele, “but
Man wearing tea kettle on head opposes healthcare reform
WASHINGTON – A man wearing a tea kettle on his head stated his opposition to President Obama’s healthcare reform legislation Saturday during a “Tea Party” protest held at the nation’s capitol. Theodore “Moe”
Budweiser hires Congressman Wilson for ‘Rudest Man’ commercials
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC), who shot to fame by hollering “You lie!” during President Obama’s speech on healthcare, has been tapped to appear in a series of Budweiser commercials as the “Rudest Man in America.” The spots, a spoof of the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man
Obama to enslave white people, says GOP
President Obama’s healthcare plan is a thinly veiled attempt to force all white people into slavery, according to conservative talk show host Glenn Beck. “We will not stand by as our sons and daughters our forced into involuntary servitude by this illegitimate Negro president,” said Beck on Wednesday’s
Sarah Palin to run for Governor of Alaska
ANCHORAGE — Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has announced plans to run for Governor of Alaska in the 2010 election. Citing her self-abbreviated previous term as Chief Executive of the country’s largest state, the dropout governor asserted that her two-and-a-half-years-in-office gives
Mitt Romney eager to lose 2012 election
BOSTON — Former presidential hopeful Mitt Romney is eager to lose the 2012 election to incumbent Barack Obama. Romney, who failed to gain his party’s nomination in last year’s primaries, said he looks
Alaska Supreme Court to rule on partial-term administrations
JUNEAU, AK — No sooner did Governor Sarah Palin decide to abort her term in office after serving only two-and-a-half years, than debate began among Alaskans as to what constitutes a so-called “partial-term” administration. The Alaska Supreme Court today is hearing arguments on both
McCain wants own library despite the fact he isn’t president
SEDONA, AZ — Senator John McCain today announced plans to build his own presidential library, despite the fact that he is not — and has never been — the president. “Americans deserve to hear the truth,” said the Arizona war hero, “about what would have happened had voters chosen
Sanford sent same sex letter to all mistresses
COLUMBIA, SC — When Governor Mark Sanford emailed his South American lover, expressing his admiration for “…the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself,” he was certain the carefully chosen words would turn the heat up on their sexually charged relationship. But
GOP removes ‘Family Values’ from Platform
WASHINGTON, DC — The Republican National Committee announced today it will be removing the much-hyped “Family Values” agenda from its platform. Since the early 1980s, when President Reagan and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich gave birth to the so-called “Republican Revolution,”
GOP elephant switches parties
BALTIMORE — On the heels of Senator Arlen Specter’s jump to the Democratic Party, the GOP Elephant — longtime mascot of the Republicans — has announced he, too, is switching political affiliations. Former GOP Mascot The elephant said it was Senator Specter who really opened the door
Republicans propose Ayatollah system for U.S.
WASHINGTON, DC – In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government. “We can keep the showy remnants of our democracy,” explained Gingrich, “while ceding ultimate power to a
Specter switches genders
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females. “I have found of late that
Republicans file bankruptcy in Court of Ideas
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican National Committee filed for bankruptcy today in the U.S. Court of Ideas, citing decades of doctrines that don’t work and an inability to generate new thoughts and workable models for society. The GOP has been operating on an idea deficit for decades, according
Bush seeks new country to bungle
CRAWFORD, TX – Having recently traded in his White House address for a suburban home in this quiet Texas community, former President George Bush has expressed his desire to reenter public life by becoming the leader of some other yet-to-be-determined country. “He’s been kinda fidgety,”
Obama invites snipers to inauguration
WASHINGTON — Keeping with his message of inclusion, President-elect Barack Obama has invited a group of thirteen snipers from around the country to attend his inauguration. By request, the snipers will be seated in an undisclosed area, hidden from view of the large crowds expected to fill the National
Blagojevich appoints penis to U.S. Senate
CHICAGO – Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has appointed his penis to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. “I am merely executing my duties under the Illinois state constitution,” said Blagojevich. “I hope the allegations against me won’t taint the
Palin’s daughter gives birth to Democrat
ANCHORAGE, Alaska – The teenage daughter of former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin gave birth to a Democrat on Sunday, marking an ironic resolution to the controversy surrounding the unwed teen mother. 18-year-old Bristol Palin gave birth to Frickin Johnston on Sunday. The 7 pound,
Toddler throws poo at Bush
BLOOMINGTON, IN — A toddler threw poo at President Bush during a visit to a day care center, where Bush was speaking before a group of preschoolers and their parents. Bush ducked, and the poo sailed past his head, splatting on the wall behind him. The poo-thrower, identified as two-year-old Jason
Obama’s Senate Seat for Sale on eBay
SPRINGFIELD, IL — After the disclosure of Governor Blagojevich’s plan to accept a bribe in exchange for the senate seat vacated by Barack Obama, Ilinois state legislators decided to take the appointing powers out of the hands of the governor. “We weren’t completely against
