Obama kills elk with bare hands
YELLOWSTONE, WY — The response to President Obama’s swatting of a fly with his open palm during an NBC interview was so overwhelming, it prompted him to seek out other animals to kill with his bare hands. Surrounded by the press, the President ventured out into Yellowstone National Park, where he came upon a herd of elk grazing in a
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Guantanamo detainee new CEO of Chrysler
Guantanamo detainee new CEO of Chrysler DETROIT/GUANTANAMO BAY — Terrorist Abdullah Reza Mafabi, imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for conspiring with
CDC: Swine flu victims are mainly pigs
ATLANTA — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control have found that 99.9% of the victims of the H1N1 influenza virus, commonly known as the “Swine Flu,” are pigs. A report on the pandemic, released today, took the scientific community
Waterboarding survival classes cancelled by al-Qaida
AFGHAN-PAKISTANI BORDER — Al-Qaida anounced on Monday it will be terminating its Waterboarding Survival course, which has been offered to its members since 9/11. According to a press release distributed by the terror organization, the training program is no longer necessary now that President
Obama approves sandwich-boarding
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected terrorists. In this novel interrogation technique, captured terror suspects are forced to
Obama to send former President Bush to world’s hot spots
WASHINGTON, DC — In an apparent sign of reconciliation with his predecessor, President Obama said today he will be sending former president George W. Bush on peace missions to some of the most dangerous parts of the world. “These are places where terrorists are set upon killing anyone with an
White House Touts Double-Digit Employment
WASHINGTON, DC — A new report from the White House indicates that 93% of Americans currently have jobs, superseding previous accounts from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that 7% were out of work. “In only two weeks, we have gone from 7% unemployment to 93% employment,” said Speaker
Bush DNA cleansed from White House
WASHINGTON, DC — No sooner had he been sworn into office than President Barack Obama ordered his staff to remove all traces of his predecessor George W. Bush’s DNA from every room of the White House. “It was clear from the start that Obama planned on overturning all of the former
Obama says sale of virginity good for economy
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year-old’s plan will be a model for both his administration’s education
Biden Tells Supporters Okay to Stay Home
PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the latest rhetorical gaffe for the Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Senator Joe Biden claimed victory for his ticket a full two days before the general elections. “Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re
‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’
AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust
Obama Offers Clinton Cabinet Position
DENVER, CO - In a conciliatory gesture to his opponent, Senator Obama today reached out to Senator Clinton by offering her the cabinet position of “Secretary of Sewing,” which he said he created
New Bush Advisor: Obama
Citing Barack Obama’s “wisdom beyond his years,” President Bush revealed today that he will be heeding the senator’s advice and counsel over the remaining months of his presidency. According to a White House insider, the president watches every speech made by Senator Obama, whose televised
Obama’s Pastor Damns Local Teacher
As a follow-up to his widely viewed performance on YouTube, where he instructed God to “Damn America,” Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Senator Obama’s controversial former pastor, is now seeking
Obama Campaign Booboo
With the Democratic primaries becoming ever more contentious and controversial, the campaign of Sen. Barack Obama ran into
