McCain Names Cheerleader Secretary of State

McCain Chooses Secretary of StateMINNEAPOLIS – On the tails of his controversial vice-presidential selection, Senator John McCain has made yet another startling announcement, this time telling an audience of steelworkers that 16-year-old Emma Rae Schurr of Bulls Gap, Tennessee will be his Secretary of State.

Ms. Schurr is a junior at Robert E. Lee High School, where she captains the cheerleading squad and has served two semesters on student council as Secretary of Spirit.

Criticism has been quick to pour in from both sides of the aisle.  “This girl has no experience on the international stage,” said former presidential candidate Mitt Romney.  “She’s never travelled outside of her home state and hasn’t even graduated from high-school.”

But other Republicans have been quick to defend McCain’s choice.  “She’s a mother of a cute little boy, with another on the way,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina).  “She clearly opposes both abortion and contraception, and should be applauded as an example for young men and women everywhere.”

“And with two semesters in student government under her belt,” added Republican advisor Karl Rove, “she has more experience than Senator Obama’s half-a-term in the senate.”

As Ms. Schurr celebrated the news at a local Appleby’s, her parents presented her with a fake I.D. so she could “knock back” a few beers.  “I couldn’t be no prouder of my little girl,” said her father, Hank Schurr.  “She’s turning into a real woman.  Just look at them little titties.”

“Keep your hands to yourself, daddy,” Ms. Schurr told her father. “When I become John McCain’s secretary, he’s not gonna want no one else touching me there.”

For his part, Sen. McCain remained steadfast on his decision to appoint a cabinet member a full two-months before the election.  “How many Secretary of States do you know who can do a cartwheel and three-flips while shouting ‘We’re Number One’?” he asked. “I’m fortunate and honored that Ms. Schurr will be an integral part of my administration.”

Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin agreed.  “It’s a great day for Republicans,” she said. “And I invite Hillary Clinton supporters to join us, now that John McCain has shown his unwavering commitment to young women.”