ST. PAUL, MN / SPECIAL TO THE SKUNK — The head psychic on staff at TheSkunk.org has peered into the mind of John McCain to obtain the highly guarded acceptance speech he will be delivering tonight at the Republican Convention. What follows is the full speech, pieced together directly from Senator McCain’s head, transcribed in full and presented here as a public service to our readers.
McCain: Ladies and Gentlemen, I accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States of America. I will end gridlock in Washington, by reaching across the aisle and working with both Democrats and Republicans to get our country moving forward. The surge worked. Senator Obama is a bright young man but does not have the experience to lead.
We must win in Iraq. Didn’t I select a great Vice President? And how about that great speech by my good friend, Joe Lieberman? Senator Obama has no experience. I was the architect of the surge. I would rather lose a campaign than lose a war. I cannot lift my hands above my shoulders. I will appoint judges who adhere strictly to the constitution. We must keep America safe. My friends, the surge worked.
When I was a POW, I refused an early release. Governor Palin sold an airplane on eBay. I will keep this country safe. Our troops will return home with honor. The surge worked, my friends. Vice President Palin and I will change America. She is a maverick and I am a maverick. Together, we are mavericks. Senator Obama has no experience. He is a palomino. I will defeat the evil Islamic terrorists and end the influence of special interest groups. I love this country.
I can fit all the experience of Senator Obama on the head of a pin and still have room for the accomplishments of this current Congress. Life begins at conception. Marriage is a union between a man and the woman he will eventually leave for his younger, more attractive mistress. I supported the surge; Senator Obama did not. Senator Obama is not a maverick. Country comes first. I will not appoint activist judges. I will get Washington working again. Senator Obama was against the surge; I was for it. We must free ourselves from the grips of foreign oil.
I know how to win wars and Senator Obama does not. Parents should choose the school they want their children to attend. I support offshore drilling. Senator Obama is a negro. We must overturn Roe versus Wade. Thank you and God Bless America.