Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Proctor & Gamble Facing Lawsuit over “Ethnic Cleanser”
Proctor & Gamble Co. announced its latest product, “Ethnic Cleanser,” would not be available for Christmas as originally planned.
Balloon Man Claims Wife Jammed Inside Cow Rectum
Richard Heene, the self-proclaimed scientist who incited public outrage by deceiving authorities into believing his six-year-old son was aloft inside a homemade weather balloon, has made another panicked plea for help, this time claiming his wife Mayumi was carried away inside the intestines of an angry cow.
Booger Stem Cells Show Promise
SANTA CLARITA, CA — Researchers at College of the Canyons have released results to a study suggesting that human boogers may contain stem cells with similar regenerative qualities to those of embryos.
Employment Up for Stupid People
Employment among imbeciles and morons rose 10% in the 2nd quarter of 2009, according to a new report released today by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics.
Moon Blast Kills 22 Civilians
PASADENA, CA — NASA has apologized for the deaths of 22 people caused by a rocket that exploded upon impact into the lunar surface earlier this morning.
Pedophiles Claim 2nd Amendment Protection
The National Pedophile Association says kidnapping and rape are constitutionally protected activities under the 2nd Amendment’s “Right to Bear Arms” clause.
Goodwill Bans Donations from Man with Bad Taste
OKALHOMA CITY — An information technology consultant was banned for life by Goodwill Industries from donating any more of his “crap.”
China Prohibits Anonymous Internet Posts
BEIJING — China has passed a law prohibiting its citizens from using fictitious names when posting comments on Internet news sites and blogs, according to Communications Minster Cheng Ho.
Polanski to Direct Film Based on Grand Jury Testimony
PYONGYANG — Roman Polanski plans to direct a motion picture based on the 1977 grand jury testimony that led to his indictment on rape charges.
Eager Young Models Await Arrival of Polanski
The pending extradition of Roman Polanksi to the United States has sent a wave of optimism over aspiring young models across America, eager to lose their virginity to the famous director in hopes it will boost their fledgling careers.
