Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Man Wearing Tea Kettle on Head Opposes Healthcare Reform
WASHINGTON – A man wearing a teakettle on his head stated his opposition to President Obama’s healthcare reform legislation Saturday during a Tea Party protest held at the nation’s capitol.
Budweiser Hires Congressman Wilson for ‘Rudest Man’ Commercials
Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC), who shot to fame by hollering “You lie!” during President Obama’s speech on healthcare, has been tapped to appear in a series of Budweiser commercials as the “Rudest Man in America.”
Preschoolers Re-Create 9/11
BOSTON — Using Legos and toy planes, a class of preschoolers re-created the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.
Obama to Enslave White People, Says GOP
President Obama’s healthcare plan is a thinly veiled attempt to force all white people into slavery, according to conservative talk show host Glenn Beck.
Charlton Heston’s Gun Taken from His ‘Cold, Dead Hands’
GLENDALE, CA — In keeping with the late actor’s wishes, Charlton Heston’s decaying remains were exhumed today, and a vintage 1874 military rifle — made famous in his “cold, dead hands” speech — was removed from his cold, dead hands.
Same Investigator Overlooked Garrido and Madoff
SAN FRANCISCO — The same government investigator who failed to uncover the massive Ponzi scheme perpetrated by convicted Wall Street scammer Bernard Madoff, also neglected to notice the backyard sex prison operated by paroled rapist Phillip Garrido.
Public Doubts ‘Official’ Account of Kennedy Death
BOSTON — Over 68% of Americans don’t believe the official government story that Senator Edward Kennedy died from a brain tumor, according to a survey released today.
Suicide Note Reveals Poor Grammar
RAMSDELL, MO — A suicide note left by a local man demonstrated a remarkably poor understanding of syntax and grammar, according to authorities.
Imaginary Friend ODs on Placebos
Four-year-old Billy Tipton’s best friend — an imaginary owl named Scabooboo — ovedosed last night on an entire make-believe bottle of placebos.
French-American Man Hates Himself
SEATTLE — A French-American man expressed deep loathingfor himself over the weekend.
