New Rules Allow Celebrities to Die Four at a Time
New rules issued today make it okay for public figures to kick the bucket in groups of four.
New rules issued today make it okay for public figures to kick the bucket in groups of four.
DURHAM, NC — Upon learning that Ford Motor Company posted a surprise second-quarter profit of $2.3 billion, convicted investment manager Bernard Madoff announced his intention to partner with the American automaker to create an energy-efficient all-green vehicle called the “Ponzi.”
Anthropologists from the University of Ohio discovered a Republican voter isolated deep in the Appalachian hills who thinks the 2000 presidential campaign is still going on.
Pop icon Michael Jackson has proven to be as unconventional in death as he was in life. According to a Jackson family spokesperson, once the King of Pop’s remains are cremated, his ashes will be laid to rest deep inside the buttocks of a little boy.
FOGSHAFT, OR — A reenactment of a fatal train crash that killed 13 people last month resulted in the deaths of 13 people.
WASHINGTON, DC — In an apparent sign of reconciliation with his predecessor, President Obama said today he will be sending former president George W. Bush on peace missions to some of the most dangerous parts of the world.
JUNEAU, AK — No sooner did Governor Sarah Palin decide to abort her term in office after serving only two-and-a-half years, than debate began among Alaskans as to what constitutes a so-called “partial-term” administration.
SEDONA, AZ — Senator John McCain today announced plans to build his own presidential library, despite the fact that he is not — and has never been — the president.
“I think the Jackson family should be required to pay everyone in Los Angeles $5000 each. Plus each resident gets to choose one Jackson to provide naked housecleaning services. You listening, Tito?”
— Benjamin Colt,
Santa Clarita, CA
BALTIMORE — Deliveryman Henry Zulligan said he regrets the decision he made after graduating high school that put him behind the wheel of a brown UPS truck every day for the past twenty-six years.