Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Rush Limbaugh Regrets Not Holding Michael Jackson
In his nationally syndicated radio program, Rush Limbaugh regretted not holding Michael Jackson in his arms before the pop idol passed away last month.
Obama Regrets Use of Term ‘Douche Bag’ in Reference to Elderly Crosssing Guard
WASHINGTON, DC — In an interview on Face the Nation, President Obama regretted using the term “douche bag” when referring to a local 80-year-old crossing guard.
New Rules Allow Celebrities to Die Four at a Time
New rules issued today make it okay for public figures to kick the bucket in groups of four.
Madoff Seeks Partnership with Ford
DURHAM, NC — Upon learning that Ford Motor Company posted a surprise second-quarter profit of $2.3 billion, convicted investment manager Bernard Madoff announced his intention to partner with the American automaker to create an energy-efficient all-green vehicle called the “Ponzi.”
Secluded Republican Voter Thinks 2000 Presidential Campaign is Still Going On
Anthropologists from the University of Ohio discovered a Republican voter isolated deep in the Appalachian hills who thinks the 2000 presidential campaign is still going on.
Michael Jackson to be Buried in Little Boy’s Ass
Pop icon Michael Jackson has proven to be as unconventional in death as he was in life. According to a Jackson family spokesperson, once the King of Pop’s remains are cremated, his ashes will be laid to rest deep inside the buttocks of a little boy.
13 Killed in Reenactment of Deadly Train Crash that Killed 13
FOGSHAFT, OR — A reenactment of a fatal train crash that killed 13 people last month resulted in the deaths of 13 people.
Obama to Send Former President Bush to World's Hot Spots
WASHINGTON, DC — In an apparent sign of reconciliation with his predecessor, President Obama said today he will be sending former president George W. Bush on peace missions to some of the most dangerous parts of the world.
Alaska Supreme Court to Rule on Partial-Term Administrations
JUNEAU, AK — No sooner did Governor Sarah Palin decide to abort her term in office after serving only two-and-a-half years, than debate began among Alaskans as to what constitutes a so-called “partial-term” administration.
McCain Wants Own Library Despite Never Being President
SEDONA, AZ — Senator John McCain today announced plans to build his own presidential library, despite the fact that he is not — and has never been — the president.
