Chris Christie Vows to Keep Eating Until He’s ‘Bigger Than Taft’
TRENTON, NJ — Governor Chris Christie responded today to criticism of his obesity by announcing plans to continue expanding his waistline until he is “bigger and heavier than that fat fuck William Taft.”
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House Changes U.S. Motto to ‘Buyer Beware’
WASHINGTON –The House voted along party lines today to pass a GOP resolution changing the motto of the United States to “Buyer Beware.”
Infamous Pubic Hair from 1991 Clarence Thomas Confirmation Hearings on Display at Smithsonian
The infamous pubic hair that almost derailed Justice Clarence Thomas’s Senate confirmation is on display at the Smithsonian.
Obama Uses Reverse Psychology to Pass Jobs Bill
WASHINGTON — After three years of having congressional Republicans do the opposite of whatever he attempted, President Obama decided to use reverse psychology on the GOP to get them to move forward with his agenda.
Herman Cain Proposes Running Country Only During Business Hours
In order to operate the United States in a more efficient manner, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain today proposed new business hours for the country.
House Tea Party Members Confused Over what just Happened
The passage of the debt-ceiling compromise bill has left Tea Party congressional members wondering what they voted for.
Bus Accident Causes Damage to Bus
FLAXEN, MO (TheSkunk.org) — A school bus accident that killed 23 people caused major damages to the bus, which will take at least six weeks to put back into working order.
America’s Visa Gold Card Cancelled
Visa Gold Rewards Card informed the U.S. government that it is $17 billion over its credit limit and charge privileges have been terminated.
Bachmann Confuses George Washington Carver with George Washington
Rep. Michelle Bachmann said our nation’s first president should be praised for his experimentation with peanuts and their by-products.
Trump to Weiner: ‘Show Us Your Real Penis’
NEW YORK (TheSkunk.org) — Donald Trump asserted today that a photograph supposedly depicting Rep. Anthony Weiner’s erect manhood that has been circulating on Internet is not legitimate.
Ghost of bin Laden Haunts Jersey Family
HIGGINSVILLE, NJ (TheSkunk.org) — The ghost of terrorist Osama bin Laden has taken up residence in the home of James Armer, where it has attempted to terrorize the entire family with an assortment of mischievous tricks.
Gingrich to Marry bin Laden Wife No. 7
Newt Gingrich has announced plans to marry the seventh wife of slain terrorist Osama bin Laden, 19-year-old Durriya Habou bin Laden.
Trump Claims He’s Killed More Terrorists than Obama
Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he is “very proud and honored” to have killed many more terrorists than the President.
Boehner Assures Public His Taxes Won’t Go Up
John Boehner assured the American people that whatever version of the budget is finally passed, his personal taxes will not increase.
Gingrich Paid for Anal Bleachings with Government Funds
Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich paid for multiple anal bleachings during his tenure in Congress using money from his office’s general fund.
How much did he spend?
Michele Bachmann Opposes No-Fly Zone in Favor of No-Mosquito Zone
Michele Bachmann told reports she wants to repeal the no-fly zone over Libya and replace it with something else.
Republicans Reject No-Lie Zone
WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Opposing efforts by Democrats in Congress to pass a no-lie zone over the nation’s capital, Republican lawmakers say they will defeat any legislation requiring honest discourse and veracity from elected officials.
Everyone in Loan Business Going to Prison
WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — The U.S. Department of Justice today announced major prosecutorial action against the entire banking industry.
Increase in Contract Killings Sign of Economic Recovery
WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — A new study conducted by the U.S. Department of Commerce shows a connection between an increase in contract killings — so-called “murders for hire” — and the latest upward tick in the economy.
Obama Urges Citizens to Hearken Back to the Obama of 2008
FENTON, IL (TheSkunk.org) — In a commencement address before 300 graduating high school seniors, President Obama urged Americans to recall with fondness the era of his presidential campaign of 2008, which he referred to as “good times for all.”
Obama Sets Timetable for War on Poverty
Declaring that the United States will not commit itself to another unending, unwinnable conflict, President Obama today called for a complete withdrawal from the War on Poverty within 18 months.
Canadian Goose Who Survived Collision with US Airways Flight 1549 Dies in Gulf Spill
A four-year-old Canada goose, who nearly died in a bird strike when his flock was vaporized in the engine of an Airbus A320-214 that crash-landed in the Hudson River in 2009, was found dead of oil poisoning on the Louisiana shoreline.
Arizona to Lower Concrete Boxes over Illegal Immigrants
Arizona lawmakers today enacted legislation giving local police permission to lower thousands of 100-ton containers directly over the heads of suspected illegal immigrants.
Military Proposes ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Suck’ Policy
“We believe this rule will greatly reduce the amount of oral copulation occurring on the battlefield,” said Gates. “The United States can no longer afford to have our men in uniform mouth-fucking one another in time of war.”
Gun Advocates Assert Right to Kill Things
“It’s our Second Amendment right to kill anything we want, at a time and place of our choosing,” said Thomas Crendelly, head of Gun Owners Against Laws Against Killing. “It’s time for gun owners to stand up and kill something without interference from politicians.”
Senator Wants Nation’s Jobless to be His Servants
“They should consider it an internship,” said Bunning. “They will learn the inner workings of my life — where I keep the toilet paper, for instance, and how I clip my toenails — while gaining valuable, real-world job experience.”
Americans Turn to Haiti for Medical Care
To stay alive, Arlindi knew he would have to travel to the devastated third-world country.
Racist Councilman Sues Himself for Slander
“I am not a racist,” he asserted, “just because I said I was a ‘racist’ – just because that was the word I used — doesn’t make me one, and I am not going to stand by in silence, as these injurious, defamatory comments sling freely from my unbridled mouth.”
Compulsive Masturbator Banned from Sperm Bank
Oliver Kertockum visited the clinic every day for the last three years. When he arrived last Friday, however, staffers refused to hand over the sterile collection cup, and instead demanded he seek professional help.
