Skunk Tag: Economy
Americans flee to Guatemala to escape bleak job market
GUATEMALA CITY — John Wilson holds a PhD in physics and has worked in the aerospace industry for over thirty years. Today he is selling cheese-stuffed pupusas — a native Guatemalan delicacy — from the back
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Employment up for stupid people
WASHINGTON — Employment among imbeciles and morons rose 10% in the 2nd quarter of 2009, according to a new report released today by the U.S. Bureau of Statistics. In
Pie donations down at clown colleges
Despite the growing need, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S. “This is an urgent concern for our students,” said BoBo, Dean of the National Clown Institute. “We depend on donations of pies – particularly coconut cream and lemon meringue – to continue
Criminals urged to apprehend themselves
LOS ANGELES — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
Home sales up by 11 homes
The month of July saw an increase in single-family home sales nationwide by a total of 11. The 11 homes were sold in California, New Mexico, New Jersey, and Guam. Six of the homes were sold to buyers who had no employment
UPS man disappointed in career choice
BALTIMORE — Deliveryman Henry Zulligan said he regrets the decision he made after graduating high school that put him behind the wheel of a brown UPS truck
Cheap bastards unaffected by recession
WASHINGTON, DC — While the shaky economy has forced most Americans to cut back on their day-to-day living expenses, the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis reported that cheap bastards carry on as though nothing has changed. “Recession?” laughed Norton Bartel, a stingy plumber from Newark who’s
Republicans file bankruptcy in Court of Ideas
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican National Committee filed for bankruptcy today in the U.S. Court of Ideas, citing decades of doctrines that don’t work and an inability to generate new thoughts and workable models for society. The GOP has been operating on an idea deficit for decades, according
Obama wants citizens to print their own money
DENVER — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City. “This financial crisis is just too big for our resources in Washington,” said
Republican Senators approve tax breaks for Canadians
OTTAWA — Dissatisfied with the stimulus package that made its way through Congress, and the lack of conservative input contained therein, Republican senators voted unanimously over the weekend to give tax breaks to Canadians. “Since we were unable to convince our colleagues, or a majority
Bush seeks new country to bungle
CRAWFORD, TX – Having recently traded in his White House address for a suburban home in this quiet Texas community, former President George Bush has expressed his desire to reenter public life by becoming the leader of some other yet-to-be-determined country. “He’s been kinda fidgety,”
New Chrysler model powered by prayer
DETROIT / LAKE FOREST, CA — Struggling to emerge from its financial woes, automobile manufacturer Chrysler LLC, in partnership with pastor Rick Warren, has introduced a new model called the Jesus Chrysler. This alternative energy vehicle forgoes the conventional gasoline engine, running
Obama says sale of virginity good for economy
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year-old’s plan will be a model for both his administration’s education
Santa Won’t be Coming to Your Town
Santa is skipping Christmas this year. In this video, he explains why.
Man Sells Stuff on eBay to Pay for other Stuff
TRENTON — A New Jersey man sold some of his stuff on eBay last week, and plans to use the money he makes to buy other stuff. “I realized there was a lot of stuff I had around my house — in my garage, under my bed, in the fridge — that I just
White House Faces Foreclosure
A “Notice of Foreclosure Sale” was issued for the White House on Friday, informing the occupants they have 30 days to vacate the premises before it is sold at auction. According to loan documents, the United States Government, listed as the owner of
McCain to Enslave Poor
SUPREMECY, OH — In a last-ditch-effort to present a solution to the nation’s ailing economy, Senator John McCain today disclosed a new plan to allow small businesses to utilize the country’s poor without having to compensate them. “Small business is the backbone of America,”
‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’
AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust
McCain’s Wife to Buy Votes, Spur Economy
NEW YORK, NY — While taping a segment for the TV show, “The View,” John McCain announced a new economic plan, where citizens would be paid one-thousand dollars each to cast their vote for the senator. The money, distributed in newly printed one-hundred
Claim your Bailout Money Today!
WASHINGTON — The federal government is planning on bailing out huge Wall Street corporations with up to a trillion dollars of taxpayers’ money — your money! The Skunk doesn’t think that’s fair. We believe average citizens
Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election
NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea. “In this precarious economic time,
McCain to Balance Budget with Nigerian Advance-Fee Plan
WASHINGTON, DC — Senator John McCain announced an unexpected windfall profit is headed our way and he will use it to pay off the national debt. “I received an urgent, photocopied letter from Doctor Willobee Ogu, the president of the Bank of Nigeria, in
