Waterboarding survival classes cancelled by al-Qaida
AFGHAN-PAKISTANI BORDER — Al-Qaida anounced on Monday it will be terminating its Waterboarding Survival course, which has been offered to its members since 9/11. According to a press release distributed by the terror organization, the training program is no longer necessary now that President Obama has officially prohibited the use of
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Obama to send former President Bush to world’s hot spots
WASHINGTON, DC — In an apparent sign of reconciliation with his predecessor, President Obama said today he will be sending former president George W. Bush on peace missions to some of the most dangerous parts of the world. “These are places where terrorists are set upon killing anyone
Bush DNA cleansed from White House
WASHINGTON, DC — No sooner had he been sworn into office than President Barack Obama ordered his staff to remove all traces of his predecessor George W. Bush’s DNA from every room of the White House. “It was clear from the start that Obama planned on overturning all of the
Bush seeks new country to bungle
CRAWFORD — Having recently traded in his White House address for a suburban home in this quiet Texas community, former President George Bush has expressed his desire to reenter public life by becoming the leader of some other yet-to-be-determined country. “He’s been kinda fidgety,”
White House Faces Foreclosure
A “Notice of Foreclosure Sale” was issued for the White House on Friday, informing the occupants they have 30 days to vacate the premises before it is sold at auction. According to loan documents, the United States Government, listed as the owner of
Bush Appoints Self for Third Term
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move unprecedented in any previous administration, President Bush signed an executive order appointing himself president for a third term. Calling the November elections
Bush Library: “Not in my Backyard”
WASHINGTON, DC — The creation of the George W. Bush Presidential Library hit yet another snag this week,
Cheney to Build Abu Ghraib Amusement Park
PHILADELPHIA, PA – After completing his final term in office, Vice President Dick Cheney plans to build a theme park inspired by the infamous Baghdad prison complex . Located just outside
Bush Soils Constitution
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — In a press conference last Friday, Dr. Lamont Dandle, head curator for the National Archives, announced that one of the remaining original, handwritten copies of the United States Constitution had been damaged beyond repair —
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Senators Seek to Legalize Bribery, Solicitation of Gay Sex
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senators Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) and Larry Craig (R-Idaho) have introduced legislation that would make it legal for elected officials to accept bribes and solicit gay prostitutes in public facilities. The Senators introduced their legislation,
Bush Set to Attack “Life Forms” on Mars
NASA’s recent confirmation that water exists on Mars has the White House maneuvering in an offensive posture. Should scientists discover life on the red planet – including the tiniest microbes — President Bush said he is prepared to launch a preemptive attack with the “full force of the United
New Bush Advisor: Obama
Citing Barack Obama’s “wisdom beyond his years,” President Bush revealed today that he will be heeding the senator’s advice and counsel over the remaining months of his presidency. According to a White House insider, the president watches every speech made by Senator Obama, whose televised
Disgruntled Former White House Staffers Critical of Disgruntled Former White House Staffer
Disgruntled former White House press secretary Scott McClellan has come under fire from other disgruntled former White House staff members for his book, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception, which suggests that President Bush had purposely misled the
Bush IQ: Mild Mental Retardation
WASHINGTON, DC — Researchers at the National Archives today uncovered a stack of the president’s test scores from the 1960s. On a standardized IQ test given to him in seventh grade, President Bush scored a 57, which is within the range of mental retardation. “Psychiatrists consider a score
