Florida Passes ‘Kill the Negro’ Law
TALLAHASSEE, FL – Republican Governor Rick Scott today signed legislation that would make it legal to use lethal force against black citizens if they appear threatening, frightening, or just “dark and ominous.”
Culture
Mastermind in ‘Bees for Honey’ Ring Nabbed in Sting Operation
Federal agents announced Monday the arrest of Guillermo “The Beekeeper” Patterson, leader of the notorious “Bees for Honey” ring.
NRA Cites Rep. Giffords as Proof that ‘Guns Don’t Kill’
Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) was praised by the National Rifle Association for exemplifying their motto: “Guns Don’t Kill.”
Explosion at Sugar Refinery Causes Carameltdown
SWEETWATER, TX — An explosion at a major sugar refinery occurred last night, as stunned employees stared on with glazed expressions.
A.D.D. Explorer Forgets Location of Latest Discovery
An underwater explorer with attention deficit disorder discovered a legendary Spanish galleon, but forgot to record its location and can’t remember where he found it.
Dogs Bomb Spay & Neuter Clinic
CONCORDE, NH — A group of dogs claimed responsibility for the bombing Thursday of a spay & neuter clinic run by a prominent veterinarian. In a statement released today, the canines called mandatory sterilization “an egregious overreach of local government” and “regulation run rampant.”
Pizza Delivery Boy Retiring from Adult Film Industry
CANOGA PARK, CA — A local pizza delivery boy told reporters yesterday he is tired of walking onto the set of a porno film whenever he makes a home delivery.
Zombies No Longer Required to Extend Arms Out in Front
AMSTERDAM — In a reversal on a policy that dates back over 1300 years, Zombies are no longer required to lift and hold their arms outstretched in front of themselves.
Boy Scouts Offer Gay Sex Merit Badge
The Boys Scouts of America has created a new merit badge designed to teach scouts “all about gay sex.”
William and Kate Promise to Restore Medieval Values to Monarchy
Britain’s newest pair of royals have laid out plans to return their nation to the totalitarian rule enjoyed by their countrymen in the 15th century.
What are their plans?
