Pedophiles Claim 2nd Amendment Protection
The National Pedophile Association says kidnapping and rape are constitutionally protected activities under the 2nd Amendment’s “Right to Bear Arms” clause.
Culture
Polanski to Direct Film Based on Grand Jury Testimony
PYONGYANG — Roman Polanski plans to direct a motion picture based on the 1977 grand jury testimony that led to his indictment on rape charges.
Eager Young Models Await Arrival of Polanski
The pending extradition of Roman Polanksi to the United States has sent a wave of optimism over aspiring young models across America, eager to lose their virginity to the famous director in hopes it will boost their fledgling careers.
Roman Polanski: ‘I Thought She Was 13-and-a-Half’
ZURICH — Director Roman Polanski defended his 1977 rape of a 13-year-old model by expressing his belief that she was 13-and-a-half at the time.
Kanye Thankful He Didn’t Go Through with ‘Entire' Plan
HOLLYWOOD — Kanye West, still recovering from his embarrassing outburst at the Video Music Awards, is grateful he didn’t go through with everything he had originally planned.
Jackasses Offended by Comparison to Kanye
CALIFORNIA — An off-the-record comment by President Obama calling Kanye West a “jackass” has been rebuffed by a herd of wild donkeys in the San Bernardino Mountains, east of Los Angeles.
Charlton Heston’s Gun Taken from His ‘Cold, Dead Hands’
GLENDALE, CA — In keeping with the late actor’s wishes, Charlton Heston’s decaying remains were exhumed today, and a vintage 1874 military rifle — made famous in his “cold, dead hands” speech — was removed from his cold, dead hands.
Same Investigator Overlooked Garrido and Madoff
SAN FRANCISCO — The same government investigator who failed to uncover the massive Ponzi scheme perpetrated by convicted Wall Street scammer Bernard Madoff, also neglected to notice the backyard sex prison operated by paroled rapist Phillip Garrido.
French-American Man Hates Himself
SEATTLE — A French-American man expressed deep loathingfor himself over the weekend.
Criminals Urged to Apprehend Themselves
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an attempt to lower costs for law enforcement, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is asking lawbreakers to turn themselves in as part of his “Arrest Yourself” campaign. He spelled out details of the program at a press conference Tuesday.
