World Asks: Who the F*** Are Jon and Kate?
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Television personalities “Jon and Kate” are the most baffling celebrities in the history of the entertainment industry, according to a recent poll conducted by TheSkunk.org.
Culture
Balloon Man Claims Wife Jammed Inside Cow Rectum
Richard Heene, the self-proclaimed scientist who incited public outrage by deceiving authorities into believing his six-year-old son was aloft inside a homemade weather balloon, has made another panicked plea for help, this time claiming his wife Mayumi was carried away inside the intestines of an angry cow.
Pedophiles Claim 2nd Amendment Protection
The National Pedophile Association says kidnapping and rape are constitutionally protected activities under the 2nd Amendment’s “Right to Bear Arms” clause.
Polanski to Direct Film Based on Grand Jury Testimony
PYONGYANG — Roman Polanski plans to direct a motion picture based on the 1977 grand jury testimony that led to his indictment on rape charges.
Eager Young Models Await Arrival of Polanski
The pending extradition of Roman Polanksi to the United States has sent a wave of optimism over aspiring young models across America, eager to lose their virginity to the famous director in hopes it will boost their fledgling careers.
Roman Polanski: ‘I Thought She Was 13-and-a-Half’
ZURICH — Director Roman Polanski defended his 1977 rape of a 13-year-old model by expressing his belief that she was 13-and-a-half at the time.
Kanye Thankful He Didn’t Go Through with ‘Entire' Plan
HOLLYWOOD — Kanye West, still recovering from his embarrassing outburst at the Video Music Awards, is grateful he didn’t go through with everything he had originally planned.
Jackasses Offended by Comparison to Kanye
CALIFORNIA — An off-the-record comment by President Obama calling Kanye West a “jackass” has been rebuffed by a herd of wild donkeys in the San Bernardino Mountains, east of Los Angeles.
Charlton Heston’s Gun Taken from His ‘Cold, Dead Hands’
GLENDALE, CA — In keeping with the late actor’s wishes, Charlton Heston’s decaying remains were exhumed today, and a vintage 1874 military rifle — made famous in his “cold, dead hands” speech — was removed from his cold, dead hands.
Same Investigator Overlooked Garrido and Madoff
SAN FRANCISCO — The same government investigator who failed to uncover the massive Ponzi scheme perpetrated by convicted Wall Street scammer Bernard Madoff, also neglected to notice the backyard sex prison operated by paroled rapist Phillip Garrido.
