Polanski to Direct Film Based on Grand Jury Testimony
PYONGYANG — Roman Polanski plans to direct a motion picture based on the 1977 grand jury testimony that led to his indictment on rape charges.
Eager Young Models Await Arrival of Polanski
The pending extradition of Roman Polanksi to the United States has sent a wave of optimism over aspiring young models across America, eager to lose their virginity to the famous director in hopes it will boost their fledgling careers.
Roman Polanski: ‘I Thought She Was 13-and-a-Half’
ZURICH — Director Roman Polanski defended his 1977 rape of a 13-year-old model by expressing his belief that she was 13-and-a-half at the time.
Obama Warns of ‘Axis of Buffoonery’
President Obama today warned the world of the threat posed by leaders Hugo Chavez, Muammar al-Gaddafi and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whom he referred to as the “Axis of Buffoonery.”
Fox News Operated by Liberals
Shockwaves were sent through the conservative community today, when an anonymous video uploaded to YouTube revealed that the Fox News organization is owned and operated by hard-core liberals.
FOX Claims It’s the Only News Jesus Will Watch
FOX ad proclaiming it’s the only news Jesus will watch
New Pepsi Beverage Made from Tuna and Beans
PURCHASE, NY — Banking on consumers so unquenched they’ll drink anything, PepsiCo announced today production of a new carbonated beverage made from refried beans and tuna fish.
Pie Donations Down at Clown Colleges
Despite the growing demand, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S.
Tell-All Book Claims ‘Onion’ Articles Made-Up
NEW YORK — A book scheduled for release next week claims The Onion makes up all its stories just to get a laugh.
Kanye Thankful He Didn’t Go Through with ‘Entire' Plan
HOLLYWOOD — Kanye West, still recovering from his embarrassing outburst at the Video Music Awards, is grateful he didn’t go through with everything he had originally planned.
