Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
Roman Polanski: ‘I Thought She Was 13-and-a-Half’
ZURICH — Director Roman Polanski defended his 1977 rape of a 13-year-old model by expressing his belief that she was 13-and-a-half at the time.
Obama Warns of ‘Axis of Buffoonery’
President Obama today warned the world of the threat posed by leaders Hugo Chavez, Muammar al-Gaddafi and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whom he referred to as the “Axis of Buffoonery.”
Fox News Operated by Liberals
Shockwaves were sent through the conservative community today, when an anonymous video uploaded to YouTube revealed that the Fox News organization is owned and operated by hard-core liberals.
FOX Claims It’s the Only News Jesus Will Watch
FOX ad proclaiming it’s the only news Jesus will watch
New Pepsi Beverage Made from Tuna and Beans
PURCHASE, NY — Banking on consumers so unquenched they’ll drink anything, PepsiCo announced today production of a new carbonated beverage made from refried beans and tuna fish.
Pie Donations Down at Clown Colleges
Despite the growing demand, donations of cream-filled pies are down 65% at clown colleges across the U.S.
Tell-All Book Claims ‘Onion’ Articles Made-Up
NEW YORK — A book scheduled for release next week claims The Onion makes up all its stories just to get a laugh.
Kanye Thankful He Didn’t Go Through with ‘Entire' Plan
HOLLYWOOD — Kanye West, still recovering from his embarrassing outburst at the Video Music Awards, is grateful he didn’t go through with everything he had originally planned.
Jackasses Offended by Comparison to Kanye
CALIFORNIA — An off-the-record comment by President Obama calling Kanye West a “jackass” has been rebuffed by a herd of wild donkeys in the San Bernardino Mountains, east of Los Angeles.
Kanye West hired by Republicans to heckle President
WASHINGTON — The Republican National Committee has hired Kanye West to interrupt President Obama’s speeches on healthcare, according to RNC Chairman Michael Steele.
