Politics

Senators Seek to Legalize Bribery, Solicitation of Gay Sex

Legalizing bribery and male prostitution.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senators Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) and Larry Craig (R-Idaho) have introduced legislation that would make it legal for elected officials to accept bribes and solicit gay prostitutes in public facilities. The Senators introduced their legislation, S. 846772, the “Bribery and Gay Male Prostitute Legalization Act” last week and the bill is currently under […]

Bush Set to Attack “Life Forms” on Mars

NASA’s recent confirmation that water exists on Mars has the White House maneuvering in an offensive posture. Should scientists discover life on the red planet – including the tiniest microbes — President Bush said he is prepared to launch a preemptive attack with the “full force of the United States military.” “Any bacteria found up […]

McCain Reclassified as “Dwarf Republican”

Washington, D. C. — Taking its cue from the International Astronomical Union, which declared in 2006 that the celestial body known as Pluto was to be re-designated a “dwarf planet,” The Republican National Committee today has reclassified Senator John McCain as a “Dwarf Republican.” “The same thought process the IAU used in connection to Pluto […]

NASA Scientists Reveal McCain Dead for Years

Satellite imagery from NASA’s LANDSAT program has revealed striking evidence that John McCain died over 50,000 years ago. “We can assess the age of an object in many different ways,” said a NASA spokesperson. “In this case, we just kinda took a look at the guy and proffered an educated guess.” When pressed about the […]

New Evidence of Kennedy Conspiracy

Researchers are at odds over whether Senator Ted Kennedy’s brain tumor originated from the back of his head or the top of his forehead.

Super Delegate Can’t Fly

A Democratic National Committee “Super Delegate” from Tennessee, suffered severe fractures to his skull, ribs, arms and legs Thursday, after jumping from a fourth floor window at the DNC Headquarters in Nashville, in his attempt to “fly faster than a speeding bullet.”

Guam Elects Ron Paul

The territory of Guam has elected Ron Paul as their first president.

Republicans Say Goodbye to Elephant

The elephant, long the familiar symbol of the GOP, has followed the Marlboro Man into the dustbin of retired icons. A special committee appointed by the RNC, headed by Newt Gingrich and Ann Coulter, has chosen a new emblem, which will be unveiled at the 2008 Republican convention. The logo, a graphically designed mound of […]