“The Democrats have controlled Congress with their elected majorities for too long,” declared Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “With the passage of ‘Minority Rules,’ our party’s failed strategies on financial reform and deregulation of commerce and industry will become the law of the land.”
Pope Benedict ordered his heavily armed battleship, the SS Holy Ghost, to fire at the merchant ship, after learning that its cargo would prevent thousands of unwanted pregnancies and the spread of AIDS — the deadly scurge God sent to Earth to force homosexuals into the clergy.
VATICAN CITY—Announcing new guidelines on child abuse, Pope Benedict XVI said all priests have been instructed to “pull out” before climaxing.
Fans of Walt Disney will now have the opportunity to smoke the very same tobacco that took the life of their beloved hero.
The World’s First Toilet to clean itself — among other things.
WASHINGTON — In an apparent about-face, members of the Republican party are not only embracing the recently passed Health Care reform legislation as their own, but insisting its success stems from two minor provisions GOP leaders insisted be stricken from the bill on a technicality.
“We believe this rule will greatly reduce the amount of oral copulation occurring on the battlefield,” said Gates. “The United States can no longer afford to have our men in uniform mouth-fucking one another in time of war.”
“It’s our Second Amendment right to kill anything we want, at a time and place of our choosing,” said Thomas Crendelly, head of Gun Owners Against Laws Against Killing. “It’s time for gun owners to stand up and kill something without interference from politicians.”
“They should consider it an internship,” said Bunning. “They will learn the inner workings of my life — where I keep the toilet paper, for instance, and how I clip my toenails — while gaining valuable, real-world job experience.”
VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Unwilling to part with an event that has brought global recognition to their city, Vancouver authorities have declared they will be extending the 2010 Winter Olympics for another three years.
Trump Musk 
Trump to Bring Soviet-Era Bread Lines to U.S. 
Jackie Kennedy Attemps Shoe Retrieval 
Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl 
Abortions Allowed in Texas if Trump is the Father 
