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Today is: Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Tag: john boehner

GOP: Obama Can End Shutdown by Renouncing His Own Presidency

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Speaker John Boehner said today that if Barack Obama would declare that his presidency is not legitimate, the government shutdown caused by Congress’s failure to pass a continuing budget resolution would come to an end “within minutes.”

Boehner said the proposition was his final offer to end the battle over the budget.  “If Obama renounces his own presidency — and everything he has achieved over the last five years — we will put the Continuing Resolution to a vote of the full House.”

The Administration called the proposal a “non-starter,” and accused Boehner of trying to score political points. A White House spokesperson reiterated the President’s position that Boehner must introduce a clean bill to the House, with no amendments.

But Boehner is not backing down.

“We came up with a solution that I think is fair and reasonable,” said the Speaker, “but the president’s refusal to turn back the clock to 2008 – along with his steadfast instance of his own validity — is a clear rejection of the tried-and-true negotiation process. This is Obama’s Shutdown.”

Republican Majority Leader Eric Cantor agreed. “We’re not asking for much,” he noted. “If Mr. Obama resigns from office, declares Mitt Romney the legitimate president and promises to speak only in a Kenyan dialect for the rest of his life, the shutdown could end tomorrow.”

Until the budget situation is resolved, many government-run agencies will continue to be closed, including the National Parks. Boehner called the situation very sad and extremely unnecessary.

“This president is more concerned with standing firm on all the legislation he has signed over the last five years,” said Boehner, “than allowing Americans to visit Yellowstone.”

“For the cost of a one-way plane ticket to Africa,” he added, “America could be up-and-running again.”

Boehner Proposes Replacing Medicare with Applebee’s Coupon

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — In the midst of negotiations with the White House over the so-called “fiscal cliff,” Speaker John Boehner today unveiled his proposal to reform Medicare by replacing it with a coupon good for 10% off at Applebee’s restaurants.

“This coupon will give everyone over 65 years of age a substantial savings at an Applebee’s of their choice,” explained Boehner. “ We feel this is the best way to help Americans live out their golden years with dignity and a delicious roasted garlic sirloin or a three-cheese chicken penne.”

President Obama responded that changing Medicare into a dining coupon is a “non-starter,” reiterating his position that discounts need to be lower for those with incomes over $250,000. “The Speaker’s plan is not a serious proposal,” stated Obama. “Americans making under $250,000 should receive at least 25% off on a meal, and those of us in the top earning bracket should receive, maybe a free beverage or a side of fries, at most.”

Boehner scoffed at the President’s suggestion. “We don’t have a beverage problem in this country,” he asserted, “we have a lack of coupons for the elderly.”

Boehner firmly believes that Americans “spoke loudly” in the last election.

“Our constituents told us to toe the line with respect to entitlements,” he said, “and we feel 10% off for all seniors is a balanced approached.”

“Just don’t expect government to take care of the tip,” added Boehner. “You should leave your server five to six percent on the full, pre-discounted total.”

 

House Changes U.S. Motto to 'Buyer Beware'

WASHINGTON — The House voted along party lines today to pass a GOP resolution changing the motto of the United States to “Buyer Beware.”

The phrase in Latin is “Caveat Emptor,” and will replace “E Pluribus Unum” (“From Many, One”) on all currency, coinage and government documents.

According to Speaker John Boehner, the new adage is the first step toward the total deregulation of business and industry in the country.

“‘Buyer Beware’ makes it very clear to consumers that it’s their responsibility to avoid being victimized,” explained Boehner. “American citizens need to understand that every company with which they do business has the potential to screw them out of their life savings, and they shouldn’t turn to Washington to protect them.”

Boehner said that it’s part of the normal process of a healthy free enterprise system, when unfettered by government regulations, to “allow corporations the freedom to utilize any deceptive practices they deem necessary to make a profit.”

“If some company cheats you out of all your money,” he said, “then ‘Buyer Beware’ — you’ll know not to do business with them again.”

Majority Whip Eric Cantor agreed. “It’s not the Federal government’s job to protect citizens from unethical dealings,” he stated. “Each of us bears a responsibility to look out for ourselves. If a company steals your money, then ‘Buyer Beware’ — perhaps that means you didn’t deserve to have that money in the first place.”

“We need to stop treating business owners like criminals,” declared Boehner. “We should let the Enrons and Bernie Madoffs in this country thrive in a capitalistic environment where they can say and do anything they want to increase profits, in the spirit of ‘Buyer Beware.’”

“If your son dies because of tainted food he ate at a restaurant, don’t blame the owner of the restaurant,” noted Cantor. “‘Buyer Beware’ — as a parent, it’s your job to inspect and test all the food your child eats.”

“If a family member dies in a horrific plane crash, caused by poor maintenance of the airplane, don’t blame the airline,” added Boehner. “‘Buyer Beware’ — blame yourself for not doing a complete and thorough mechanical inspection of the aircraft before boarding.”

According to Cantor, if someone dies from breathing polluted air, “don’t blame the factory pumping contaminents into the atmosphere — blame an education system that does a poor job in teaching our children about capitalism.”

“‘Buyer Beware,’” he said.

“‘Buyer Beware,’” repeated Boehner.

“This ‘We the People’ mentality is very un-American,” complained Cantor. “This idea that the federal government exits to somehow insure domestic tranquility and promote the general welfare is antithetical to the ideals of our Constitution and our Founding Fathers.”

When asked how the new motto will help decrease unemployment in the country, Boehner sighed and shook his head. “If you’ve been unemployed for two or three years and you’re looking for a job, but can’t find one,” he said, “don’t blame us — the people you sent to Congress — for not solving the problem. Blame yourself for not learning more about the competency, intelligence and integrity of the candidates before you cast your vote.”

Added Cantor: “‘Buyer Beware.’”

Obama Uses Reverse Psychology to Pass Jobs Bill

WASHINGTON — After three years of having congressional Republicans do the opposite of whatever he attempted, President Obama decided to use reverse psychology on the GOP to get them to move forward with his agenda.

In a meeting with Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, Obama pleaded with them not to pass the “American Jobs Act.”

“This is a rotten bill and I don’t want members or the House or Senate to pass it,” said the President. “I don’t want to see all these middle class Americans put back to work and I certainly don’t want to extend the payroll tax holiday.”

McConnell and Boehner glanced at each other with a knowing smile. “So you’re saying you don’t want us to pass this jobs bill?” asked McConnell. “You want us to vote ‘No’ on it?”

“You’re damn right,” Obama responded. “If this bill passes — especially if it passes in its entirety — it’s sure to make me a one-term president.”

“A one-term president,” repeated McConnell, trying to contain his giddiness. “You don’t say.”

Boehner raised an eyebrow and smiled. “So, if we kill this bill,” he asked, “it will be good for you politically?”

“Yes. Yes. Rip it up and throw it out,” demanded Obama. “I never want to see or hear anything about that horrible Jobs Act again.”

“Remember,” Obama told them, as he rose from his chair and started for the door, “whatever you do — vote ‘No’ on the jobs legislation that I gave you.” He stopped before exiting the room. “And one last thing: I don’t want any credit for the foreign policy successes I’ve achieved in the last couple of years. I don’t want to be thanked for making America safer, I don’t want to be praised for eliminating Osama bin Laden or Moammar Kaddafi, and I don’t want to be congratulated for bringing our troops home from Iraq, do you understand?”

As Obama exited, McConnell whispered softly under his breath, “Oh, we understand, Mr. President. We understand real well.” He turned to Boehner with a glint in his eye. “We have to pass that bill,” he said. “We must pass ‘The American Jobs Act’ in its entirety, just as the President sent it to us.”

“The House will have it done first thing in the morning,” said Boehner, “and then we’ll send it to the Senate.”

“I’ll have the final bill on his desk by the end of the day,” said McConnell. “Oh he’s going to be so pissed, when he finds out we did the exact opposite of what he wants.”

“And then,” said Boehner, “I’m issuing a proclamation, praising the President for ending the war in Iraq.”

“F*ck that,” laughed McConnell. “Let’s proclaim Wednesday ‘President Obama Day.’”

“Long live Barack Obama!! declared Boehner.

“Long live Barack Hussein Obama!” repeated McConnell.

The two men got up on the sofa, danced a jig and kissed each other on the mouth. “Wait a minute,” said Boehner as he pulled away. “Do you think he suspects anything? I mean, do you think he realizes that all we’ve been doing for the last three years is just the opposite of whatever he does or says?

“Are you kidding?” asked McConnell. ” The man’s oblivious. 2012 is our year, baby! We’ll take the White House and both chambers of Congress, and we’ll get rid of taxes and regulations and poor people.”

“And Obama will be a one-term president,” added Boehner, with a wink, “just like some very wise senator predicted.”

 

House Votes to Extend Hatred of Obama for Six Months

WASHINGTON (Skunk Nation) — In a vote that was strictly along party lines, Congress approved legislation this morning that would extend the GOP’s hatred of President Obama for another six months.

“Our party is united as never before,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “We share the same vision for a future where we continue hating President Obama with passion and intensity.”

House Speaker John Boehner expressed his disappointment that not a single Democrat voted for the legislation, known as H.R. 43, the “Extension to Hatred of President Obama Act.”

“This goes to show you how partisan the other side of the aisle is,” Boehner said at a press conference earlier in the day. “Their unwillingness to hate President Obama speaks volumes for where they want to take this country.”

The bill originally set the time table for hating Obama all the way to the end of 2012, just past the next presidential elections, but according to Boehner, “We felt it was important to let the American people know that we still hate him in another six months.”

There is some speculation the real reason for changing the time period was to appease freshmen Tea Party members of Congress, who proposed their own, more radical bill, the “Detestation of the Negro in the White House Act,” sponsored by Rep. Allen West, Florida’s first black GOP Congressman since the nineteenth century. But West insisted this document was his personal manifesto, and not intended for a vote on the House floor.

Republican leaders have hailed passage of the “Hate Obama” bill as a major step forward  in their hatred of the President.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded to have a full Senate vote within 24-hours, saying it would be “the single most important piece of legislation passed by this body in the last 200 years.”

“What we really need is to change the Constitution,” noted McConnell, who said he plans to introduce the “Hate Obama Amendment” later in the summer. “It’s the only way for everyone to agree we all hate Obama, without bringing it up for a vote every six months.”

With the Democrats holding the majority in the Senate, however, it is unlikely the legislation would pass the upper chamber. Even if it did make it through the Senate, Obama has threatened to veto it, unless a provision is included that would require the Tea Party members to “Shut the Fuck Up.”

“Before I approve legislation expressing hatred of myself,” added the President, “I need to make sure it’s fair and balanced on both sides.”

Boehner Assures Public His Taxes Won't Go Up

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — In a press conference Tuesday, John Boehner assured the American people that whatever version of the budget is finally passed, his personal taxes will not increase.

“People want to see the economy recover and they want jobs,” said the Speaker. “What they don’t want is for the poor and elderly to be taken care of on the backs of the Boehner family.”

Boehner pledged to reporters that budget legislation currently making its way through Congress will not diminish his personal net wealth.

“Americans overwhelmingly believe I should be allowed to prosper, despite our current economic crisis,” he said, “even if it means doing without health care for themselves or their children.”

According to Boehner, by keeping his tax rates low, he and his wife can continue to enjoy the “indulgent lifestyle” to which they have become accustomed.

“When the American people go to sleep tonight, they can rest assured that the savings we make by cutting Medicare and social security will translate directly to my increased propserity.”

“The President just doesn’t get it,” he added. “The Boehners know how to spend their hard-earned money better than Washington.”

Compulsive Masturbation 'Unconstitutional' Says Bachmann

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Rep. Michele Bachmann told reporters today that compulsive masturbation was unconstitutional, asserting that lawmakers cannot “force citizens to get themselves off.”

“The federal government has no authority to compel anyone to masturbate,” said the three-term congresswoman from Minnesota. “Americans should be free to stimulate themselves at the time and place of their choosing, not at the whim of Washington bureaucrats.”

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich agreed, referring to compulsive masturbation as “another stimulus that will do nothing to create jobs.”

“The federal government cannot require individuals to pleasure themselves,” he ejaculated. “This just rubs me the wrong way.”

To date, seven Republican attorneys general have filed lawsuits to prevent compulsive masturbation from becoming the law of the land and spilling over into their respective jurisdictions.

Speaker John Boehner exposed the issue front and center at a press conference, where he claimed his party had its hand on the pulse of the nation.

“When it comes to jerking people off,” noted Boehner, “I think Americans trust the Republicans to get the job done.”

“Our founding fathers knew that compulsive masturbation has no place in a free society,” added Bachmann. “They believed, as I believe, that the American people know how to spend their own money — and make themselves climax — better than the government.”

Boehner Blames Japan Quake on Obama Tax Policy

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) – Calling it another example of why he believes it is bad for the economy to raise taxes during a recession, Speaker John Boehner laid blame for the recent 8.9 earthquake off the coast of Japan at the failed policies of the Obama administration.

Boehner said the “Obamaquake” — and the subsequent “Tsobamanami” that inundated the island nation – only make it tougher for U.S. businesses to hire American workers and will ulimately do nothing to reduce the unemployment rate.

“Japan is one of our closest allies,” lamented Boehner, tears welling up in his eyes, “and allowing an earthquake of this magnitude to wreak havoc on those wonderful, dear people will not produce a single job in our own country. It’s a misguided energy policy; we should be drilling our way out of this.”

The Speaker contended that under George Bush, natural disasters were limited to evil countries only, reminding reporters that under the leadership of a Republican president, there were no tsunamis in France or England or Canada.

“If this devastating earth movement doesn’t illustrate why it’s important to lower taxes on the super-rich, I don’t know what does,” he noted. “The Republicans have a plan for this.  We want to lower corporate tax rates, eliminate unions, prevent women from having an abortion, throw away healthcare for millions of uninsured Americans, bring back prayer in public schools, convert the Jews and make it impossible to sue financial institutions, even in cases of rape or incest.”

Boehner warned that America can no longer afford Obama’s dangerous government takeover of the government that led to the seismic catastrophe in Japan. “It’s about personal responsibility, smaller government and fewer shifts in the earth’s techtonic plates.”

“When the American people compare our plan to the destruction caused by Obamaquake, I’m sure they will regret electing a black man with a dubious past as their president — even if they believe he wasn’t born in Kenya and isn’t a Muslim, as he contends — and agree to do away with the minimum wage and public education.  Americans are getting tired of the same old rhetoric coming from the White House, and I’m sure they will enthusaistically support a new president who will put the interests of huge coporations above their own — someone who doesn’t create earthquakes, but knows how to profit from them.”

Boehner believes a majority of the public is on his side.

“This president just doesn’t’ get it,” he added.

Palin Proposes 'Mound of Mexicans' to Stop Oil Leak

WASILLA, AK (TheSkunk.org) — Sarah Palin submitted a proposal today to stop illegal immigration and the oil spill at the same time by using those who have entered this country unlawfully to form a giant “Mound of Mexicans,” large enough to plug the leak.

Palin’s proposal, praised by Tea Party activists and people who just hate Mexicans, calls for rounding up all the undocumented Hispanics in the United States and submerging them “en masse” in the Gulf of Mexico, right above the gushing blowout preventer.

“Those 11 million illegals won’t be bothering our country anymore,” declared Palin, “and neither will that silly old oil.”

Palin said the mound would probably reach the surface of the water and, overtime, develop into a beautiful coral reef, which would “benefit the fishes and other sealife.”

In a statement, the Tea Party praised the former Alaska governor for her “innovation and wisdom,” and said it would do everything to make her plan a major issue in the unpcoming midterm elections.

House Minority Leader John Boehner, however, called Palin’s concept a form of “amnesty” that has undocumented workers taking jobs away from American citizens and would be unacceptable to most Republicans.

“If we’re going to employ 11 million individuals to form a mound at the bottom of the seafloor,” said Boehner, “it should be comprised of people who were born in this country.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward said his company is considering Palin’s idea, but needs to work out a method to keep the undocumented workers from “floating back up to the surface.”

According to Hayward, BP engineers are planning to stuff the immigrants with golf balls, scraps of rubber and other debris to hold them down.

“Anyone who has a better idea how to secure the M.O.M. over the leaking B.O.P,” he added, “is welcome to contact us through our website.”

Republicans Claim Victory in Passing Healthcare Reform

WASHINGTON — In an apparent about-face, members of the Republican party are not only embracing the recently passed healthcare reform legislation as their own, but insisting its success stems from two minor provisions GOP leaders insisted be stricken from the bill on a technicality.

The minor provisions, dealing with Pell grants for low-income college students, were deemed to be improperly included in the so-called “fix-it” bill after being brought to the attention of the parliamentarian by Senate Republicans, and were subsequently deleted.

Although the bill passed both houses of Congress without a single Republican vote, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell claimed victory at a fundraiser last night. “With the deletion of these two wayward provisions,” he declared, “we at last have affordable health care for all Americans.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner expressed his dismay at the way Democrats are “trying to take credit” for the job the Senate Republicans did in finding the errant provisions.

“Will we let the Democrats claim victory, when it was the Republicans who reshaped the legislation with the discovery of this technicality?” asked Boehner. “Hell No!”

In a CNN interview, RNC Chairman Michael Steele told Larry King that the deletion of the two provisions is “the result of Republican ideas and conservative values.” He predicted Democrats will have a “tough time” in the upcoming midterms elections “once the remaining, properly included provisions of this historic Republican health care package kick in and sick people are getting healthy.”

In a letter on his website McConnell explained to constituents who are suffering with life threatening conditions, that their health insurance companies can no longer drop them due to the “historic Republican deletions of two minor provisions, which led to the passage of major health care reform in this country.”

McConnell said that were it not for the Republicans, the Democrats would have let the legislation pass with the two minor provisions still intact. President Obama, he noted, had no problem in keeping the provisions in the bill, even though they did not pass parliamentary muster.

“The Obama administration is a failed presidency,” added Boehner. “I believe that’s the last black president we’ll see for several centuries.”

Confused Tea Party members have gathered in Washington D.C. to figure out what position to take. “We’re basically against the legislation — I think,” said one member, “but, I suppose we’ll be giving this whole issue another look.”

Violence against elected officials has died down, as the nation’s vandals wrestle with determining which party deserves bricks hurled through the windows of its field offices.

“With health care reform under our belt,” McConnell told reporters, “the GOP looks forward to devising more innovative ways to take credit for not passing legislation to meet the challenges facing future generations of Americans.”