Skunk Tag: John McCain
The Skunk News | January 2010
The Skunk News Webcast from January 2010. John McCain’s new book. More on Tiger Woods. Obama’s Hollywood dreams.
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McCain wants own library despite the fact he isn’t president
SEDONA, AZ — Senator John McCain today announced plans to build his own presidential library, despite the fact that he is not — and has never been — the president. “Americans deserve to hear the truth,” said the Arizona war hero, “about what would have happened had voters chosen
Obama wants citizens to print their own money
DENVER — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City. “This financial crisis is just too big for our resources in Washington,”
Donald Trump to Purchase Hanoi Hilton
HANOI, VIETNAM — Donald Trump has made an offer to purchase the “Hanoi Hilton,” the infamous Vietnamese prison where John McCain spent five years as a POW, and turn it into high-rise, luxury resort. The Trump Hanoi Hilton Towers and Beach Club
Court Orders Joe the Plumber Back to Anonymity
CLEVELAND — Joe the Plumber, the entrepreneur used as an example of an everyman by former presidential candidate John McCain, made it clear he wanted to extend his fifteen minutes of fame by pursuing book deals and tv contracts, but a federal court today ordered him back to the recesses of anonymity. Judge
Harassing Phone Calls Linked to McCain
PHOENIX, AZ — Backers of Senator Barack Obama have been receiving anonymous phone calls, assailing them with vulgar language and crude remarks. The RNC and McCain campaign have denied any knowledge of the calls, but Senator Obama wants an investigation. Over two-hundred such calls, placed
McCain to Enslave Poor
SUPREMECY, OH — In a last-ditch-effort to present a solution to the nation’s ailing economy, Senator John McCain today disclosed a new plan to allow small businesses to utilize the country’s poor without having to compensate them. “Small business is the backbone of America,”
U.S. Gov’t Pays $4 Million Dollars to Joe the Plumber for Replacement of Washer
WASHINGTON, DC — The Government Accounting Office reported today that the man McCain refers to as “Joe the Plumber” has been paid $4 million dollars from the U.S. government to replace a washer at a military facility in New Jersey. The famous plumber told reporters that he was contacted
‘Plumber Joe’ Replaced by ‘Crack Whore Wanda’
AKRON, OH — In a speech today, Senator McCain alluded to a young prostitute named Wanda he had recently met, who sells her body on street corners and dark alleyways. “Wanda is a working, single mother, and shouldn’t have to pay increased taxes,” said McCain. “I trust
McCain’s Wife to Buy Votes, Spur Economy
NEW YORK, NY — While taping a segment for the TV show, “The View,” John McCain announced a new economic plan, where citizens would be paid one-thousand dollars each to cast their vote for the senator. The money, distributed in newly printed one-hundred
Gov. Palin to be Replaced with SNL’s Tina Fey
NEW YORK — In yet another stunning announcement from the McCain campaign, the Republican presidential nominee said that he will be replacing his vice presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with Tina Fey, the writer-producer-actor who portrayed Palin in a series of sketches on Saturday Night
McCain Interviews Writers for Concession Speech
SEDONA, AZ — John McCain is currently seeking writers for his November 4th concession speech. “It’s important to the American people that a concession speech come across as sincere to the voters and contrite to his
Breaking News: McCain Asks to Suspend Election
NEW YORK — Republican John McCain said Wednesday he wants to postpone the 2008 presidential election in order to take time to study the economy, and he has called upon Barack Obama to join him in support of this idea. “In this precarious economic time,
New McCain Strategy: I’m Blacker than Obama
PHILADELPHIA — In a recent television ad, Senator McCain is shown addressing a group of African Americans, telling them that Obama is not half the black man he is. “Let’s not fall into the trap of judging blackness by the color of a man’s
Tennessee Man Receives Government Bailout
WASHINGTON — The Federal Reserve today announced it will be giving 14 billion dollars to Thomas Shale, a blue collar textile worker from Knoxville. Mr. Shale had fallen into tremendous, unmanageable debt over the last three years and was on the brink of financial ruin. “I went a little
Pelosi on Palin: Way too Young
WASHINGTON — Representative Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives and second in line for the presidency, expressed her disappointment in the selection of Sarah Palin as the Republican VP candidate, saying that John McCain, 72, should have
Lipstick-Wearing Pig Offended by McCain Comments
FAIRFAX, VA — John McCain accused Senator Obama today of making a disparaging reference to Gov. Sarah Palin by uttering the phrase “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” This offended Osco, a locally raised, lipstick-wearing pig
Sarah Palin to Celebrate Election Victory by Getting Pregnant
LEBANON, Ohio — Gov. Sarah Palin expects to win the vice presidency of the United States, and when she does, her fist order of business is to get herself “in a family way” — again. “How wonderful it would be to conceive a child in the
McCain Reenacts Crucifixion to Gain Evangelical Vote
FLAGSTAFF, AZ — John McCain today had himself nailed to a huge wooden cross — with the exact dimensions as the one used for Jesus — in order to prove his devoutness to the still
McCain Names Cheerleader Secretary of State
MINNEAPOLIS – On the tails of his controversial vice-presidential selection, Senator John McCain has made yet another startling announcement, this time telling an audience of steelworkers that 16-year-old Emma Rae Schurr of Bulls Gap, Tennessee will be his
Psychic Predicts Complete Text of McCain Acceptance Speech
ST. PAUL, MN / SPECIAL TO THE SKUNK — The head psychic on staff at TheSkunk.org has peered into the mind of John McCain to obtain the highly guarded acceptance speech he will be delivering tonight at the Republican Convention. What follows is the full speech, pieced together directly from Senator
McCain Gaining Ground with Lunatic Fringe
MINNEAPOLIS — Sen. John McCain’s polling numbers have remained consistent over the last four months, with the exception of one category, The Lunatic Fringe, where he is steadily gaining ground. A recent BSN poll showed that McCain is winning the vote of
McCain Taps Beauty Queen to Rally Horny Vote
DAYTON, OH — With the announcement of Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska — a runner-up in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant — as his choice for vice president, Senator John McCain believes he is making progress in bringing the “horny” vote to his camp. “In my search for a
McCain Selects Obama for Running Mate
ARIZONA – In a surprise move early this morning, Sen. John McCain announced that Barack Obama will be his running mate for the 2008 presidential election. “He brings a lot of voters with him,” said McCain. “He’s stronger on the economy than I am,
McCain Drilling Plan: Pump Oil Directly into Ocean
NEW ORLEANS, LA — John McCain announced today a plan for offshore rigs to pump oil directly into the ocean. “We already have the technology,” said McCain. “The United
McCain Vetting VPs over Strip Poker
John McCain will be hosting an evening of strip poker at his ranch in Sedona, Arizona, to size-up some of the contenders he is considering as potential running mates. “It’s just a casual affair,” said McCain. “We get together, kick back a few beers and play Texas Hold ‘em until midnight —
McCain Sets New Record for Use of Term “Surge”
LOS ANGELES – Before an audience of mostly independent voters, Senator John McCain mentioned the word “Surge” four-hundred, eighteen times, setting a new record for an American politician to use a meaningless catch phrase in a single
The LexiCON: Conservative Lingo Exposed #4
mar · riage (mar’ ij) n. Union between a man and the woman he will eventually leave for his younger, more attractive mistress. SEE: JOHN MCCAIN.
McCain to Defend Georgia with “Surge of One”
WASHINGTON, DC — John McCain has volunteered to pilot an F-16 to confront the Russian army and put an end to the fighting in Georgia. The senator would be the sole U.S. military response to the conflict. McCain characterized the mission as a “Surge of One,”
McCain Rejects Endorsement from Talking Jesus Head
McCain carries his talking Jesus doll CLEVELAND, OH – Senator McCain rejected yet another religious endorsement, today, this time from a battery-operated, talking Jesus head. Purchased by McCain for 29.95, “
